A Kid’s Mindset
The 7 Key Ways a Child’s Mind Works
To understand kids—and respond to their behavior—we have to understand how a child’s mind works. This post reveals the mysteries.
Evan Shopper, LICSW
I am a father of two and a psychotherapist in private practice who, for nearly twenty years, has specialized in working with young kids and adolescents. For years, I’ve run workshops for parents of toddlers and preschoolers as well as taught court-mandated co-parenting classes for never-married parents who are splitting up. In addition to my private practice, I specialize as a Parenting Consultant, meeting with parents to help them figure out the particular challenges their child is presenting. (If you’re interested in consultations, feel free to contact me.) I am also a Supervising Clinician, supervising new therapists as they meet their state licensing requirements. Whether as a therapist, educator, or parent consultant, I approach my work with a social and racial justice lens.
I hold a Masters in Social Work (MSW) from the Smith College School of Social Work, as well as a Masters in Fine Arts (MFA) from the University of Iowa Writers’ Workshop in Fiction. I am a published writer and for many years before becoming a therapist, I taught creative writing as Visiting Faculty at The Evergreen State College (Olympia, WA).
“I know what parents go through not just because I’m a parent, but because I’m a psychotherapist specializing in helping young children, and I get how kids work.”
What matters to me
First, it matters to me that this website is completely free. There are no ads, no product placements, no kickbacks to me. This website is meant to help parents. That’s it. That’s all.
As a psychotherapist and Parenting Consultant, I help parents one by one, but that’s just it: so far I’ve only been able to help the families who come see me. That’s why I have this website: to help all parents understand and work with their child in ways they probably aren’t finding elsewhere.
In the end, it all comes back to the kids, and that’s the real reason for this website.
I want this next generation of children to believe in themselves and their own worth. I want them to know themselves and be in touch with their feelings. I want them to be able to show up for others because they’re attuned to themselves. I believe this is possible. I believe this next generation of parents also wants this for their children.
When kids grow up understanding themselves—when they have a healthy relationship with themselves—they’re far more likely to have healthy relationships with others. Ultimately, they’ll not only feel happier and more fulfilled, they’ll be more likely to raise healthy kids themselves.
An overview of this website
There’s so much parenting advice out there, but it focuses on changing a child’s behavior rather than understanding how the child feels. If feelings always are at the root of a child’s behavior, we have to start there!
This isn’t a website that gives easy answers, but rather a deeper dive into deciphering how young brains work, how big feelings get expressed, and what you as a parent can do. You won’t find the “Five Easy Steps to Get Kids to Fall Asleep.” Instead, you’ll find something closer to “Five Feelings that Interfere with Your Child’s Sleep, and How to Help Your Kid with Them.”
While this website focuses on children ages 1-7, everything here is applicable to all ages. Because our early childhood experiences so fundamentally affect who we are, adults can also use these posts to better understand themselves given what they experienced as a child.
Where to start
Consider first checking out the section, “The Basics,” before moving on to “The Specifics.” In the Basics, you’ll get a foundation of how a young child’s mind works and how parents can help. The Basics also contains a section called “Narratives,” a crucial subject you won’t find elsewhere, and a central part of this website.
Narratives
For now, just know that narratives start forming the moment we’re born, and they lay the foundation for who we are and what kinds of relationships we have. These narratives often determine every decision we make for the rest of our lives, and they are primarily formed in our first seven years.
If narratives sound like a big deal, you’re right: they are. And if you’re also wondering why, if they’re such a big deal, no one has been talking about them, you’d be right in asking. So far, narratives haven’t entered the mainstream, though they’re central to the work of therapists. Narratives should be a key part of a parent’s toolkit, and that’s what this website is all about.
Real content, never AI
So many websites use artificial intelligence (AI) to generate their content. I will never do this. In fact, AI-generated content can’t do a “deep dive” into understanding the complexities of children, their needs, and their emotions. For this, we need a real person with real understanding and experience.
First Steps
Check out these fundamental posts. They’re a good place to start.
Narratives
The Most Common Harmful Narratives in Children
A list of common harmful narratives children develop, why they develop these narratives, and how you can keep the narratives from forming.
Narratives
Childhood Narratives: How They Impact Kids for a Lifetime
Narratives are one of the most important things parents need to know about a child’s psychology. This post will tell you what they are and how they work.
