Medical Trauma, part 6: What Parents Can Do, Steps 3&4

I like to imagine that in our brains, we have a system of pipes that help our thoughts and feelings circulate quickly and freely so that we can process our world. But when we have lots of big feelings, those pipes get clogged with emotions. Everything bogs down, especially our thoughts. This is especially true for kids. Only when they get out their feelings—or have those feelings expressed for them—can they unclog the pipes. Only then will they have room to hear ideas and use their intellect. Only then can they absorb information about their medical procedure.

Even if doctors have already explained the medical facts to your child, you’ll need to do so for a number of reasons. Sometimes medical personnel don’t have much experience explaining things to young kids, but even if they do an excellent job, your child may not be in a state to hear it at the doctor’s office. When you explain the facts again at home, you will not only reinforce the information but because it comes from the parent, the information will be more trusted. You will likely need to review these facts with your young child multiple times because kids often have trouble taking in this information. Remember, grasping how their body works and needs repair is not only new to them but activates their emotions, clogging up those mental pipes.

In order to educate your child, you’ll need to be sufficiently knowledgeable about the medical procedure. This is usually not a problem except for the times when parents are uncomfortable talking about certain subjects. For example, let’s go back to the young adolescent who had surgery for an undescended testicle when five. His parents had felt awkward talking about sexual organs and had left it to the surgeon to explain everything. Years later this boy remained unclear why exactly he’d had the surgery, still believing that something wasn’t quite right with his penis.^[1] Parents will need to work on their own issues if they are highly uncomfortable talking about certain body parts. Or they can ask a trusted family member or friend to explain things to their child. In this case, it would be best if the parent could still be present for the discussion.

Parents can help children understand what is happening to their body by drawing pictures. You don’t need to be an artist or have mad drawing skills for this, but you do need to get your facts straight—are the tonsils in the throat or the mouth, or somewhere in between? What else is in that area, too? By drawing, parents can show the child what’s inside his body, especially if he can’t see or touch it, like kidneys or ear drums. Drawing will also help kids ask questions about the procedure and what goes on in their body. Follow your kid’s lead here. Most kids will tell you what limited information they need so that they don’t get overwhelmed.

When explaining why your child needs the procedure, keep it basic and clear. Use the correct name for body parts: the stomach is not the same as intestines or the belly or the abdomen. Here too, let your child take the lead, and answer whatever questions she has. Be sure to explain what isn’t working right, how it got that way, and how the doctors plan to fix it. A three-year-old doesn’t need a lot of detail here, but a seven-year-old will.

[1] When a parent isn’t comfortable talking about sexual organs, not only will this discomfort come through to the child, but the parent will convey another, unintended message: your genitals make me very uncomfortable. The child might form a new narrative around this: if my parent isn’t comfortable with my sex parts, I shouldn’t be comfortable either. The child will likely try to explain why the parent is uncomfortable, assuming that the reason is located in his own sex parts rather than the parent’s own discomfort. A narrative will likely form in which the child doesn’t view his sexual organs in a positive or  acceptable light.