For so many parents, it doesn’t make sense when their adolescent sabotages their own success. They’ve told me about their highschooler who repeatedly fails to turn in the homework they’ve completed, or the well-intentioned teen who “forgets” to study for an important test. Or the pitcher who, earning MVP last year, can’t seem to throw any strikes this year. Or the teen who leaves a vape pen on the kitchen counter when the parents have explicitly forbidden vaping.
I’ve consulted with so many parents who only want their adolescent to succeed, and while the adolescent says they want this, too, it seems they do everything to ensure a letdown.
Parents often approach the problem as if it were an intellectual issue, that if only their teen were more organized or more focused or more intentional, their true potential would shine through. However, the issue is often not an intellectual one, but is rather wrapped up in the teen’s emotions. That’s where the real answers lie, so let’s dive in and figure out what’s going on in the mind of the adolescent.
Because the truth is, all adolescents want to succeed, but their emotions and, more importantly, the developmental task of being an adolescent get in their way.
The developmental task for adolescents
If adolescence is a time when kids must grow up and become adults, the task isn’t so simple: to become independent, teens must first separate from their parents. This transition is not a straight line, but rather a wavy one with moments of progress and backtracking. This is normal and expected.
And this is where the emotions come in!
The emotional piece of the puzzle
For both teen and parent, separating is fraught with fear, sadness, and loss as well as excitement and triumph.
For both of you, separating means that the closeness and connectedness that was the backbone of your relationship needs to soften—not for your sake, but for your teen’s. For teens, to be close and connected to a parent interferes with their sense of being separate and independent.
This is why teens are such jerks who specialize in rudeness. Being a rude jerk—and I know I’m putting it mildly for some teens—creates distance between the two of you. Your understandable anger at your teen for their behavior helps the teen create this necessary distance—in fact, so many parents can’t wait for their high school senior to get out of the home.
Why then do teens sabotage?
Here’s the key: while teens so badly seek independence and success, they want to own this success solely. If they perceive their parent will get any credit for their achievements, this can undermine their motivation to succeed.
Sabotaging often stems from the teen’s perceived relationship with their parent: if the teen feels the parent is overinvested in the teen’s business—if the teen believes their success will become their parent’s success—the teen won’t feel they are the sole owner of their accomplishments.
While adolescents only want the parent to back off and “get a life”—translation: to get your own life, get out of my life, etc.—the opposite happens. As the teen becomes seemingly less invested in their own success, the parent feels they must become more involved in the teen’s business. This is when things start to spiral and teens start to sabotage.
I call this the “Sinking Ship Phenomenon,” and once it starts, it’s hard to stop it.
The “Sinking Ship Phenomenon”
When the teen seems determined to fail, they are essentially sinking their ship, and anyone who is on board will sink, too.
This screw-me, screw-you attitude is their desperate attempt to force the parent to abandon ship and give the teen space. But even when the parent throws their hands into the air and announces they are done-done-done, the teen’s screw-me behavior has become habitual, and habits are hard to break.
Breaking the habit: what parents can do
1. Decide if you can trust your teen. In other words, does your kid have the capacity to succeed? Do they have the cognitive ability to handle the tasks facing them?
If they don’t, then they do need help, though that kind of help should probably come from a teacher, tutor, school counselor, therapist, or respected family member who doesn’t play a parental role.
In most cases, however, parents feel their teen is up to the task. If this is the case—that you can trust your teen’s abilities—hold onto this idea. This is your life preserver when you jump ship and float there at sea, watching and waiting to see what your teen does next.
2. Give your teen space. This means not asking about school work or chores. It’s the obvious first step, but it’s not enough to simply back off—keep reading!
3. Name what’s emotionally going on inside your teen. As with all parenting strategies, kids are most helped when parents voice their child’s emotions—whether their child is five or fifteen. Bringing the emotions into the open lets the teen deal with them consciously and more directly.
However, telling a teen how they feel can be a little dicey and needs to be done with some care.
It might sound something like this:
“I think I’ve realized something. I think I’m getting too involved in your success, which makes you become less involved, so then I get scared you’ll fail, and get even more involved. And now we’re caught in a vicious cycle.
“I need to back off. Which is tough for me to do, but I’m going to work really hard on it. The bottom line? I know you can take charge and do what you have to. You don’t need me, and if at any time you do, I’ll be there for you as much or as little as you want. You make the calls here, and I’ll respect whatever you choose.
“This will be a change for me, and maybe you, too, but I think we can both do it. And if, at first, you fail at something, I promise I won’t jump in and get all involved again. I’m going to let you make the calls here. I’m here to help if you want, but only when you ask for it.
Does that work for you? What’s your take on this?”
After all this, don’t expect a conversation. Expect your kid to shrug, mutter something like, “Dunno,” and then turn to their phone. Just know that they’ve heard you, and your words are sinking in.
4. Follow through. You’ve promised to stand back and watch, and now you need to do it. Allow your teen to struggle—perhaps to fail, too. Aside from health and safety concerns, your job is to stand in the wings and wait to be called on stage.
Whether your teen fails or succeeds, be supportive but don’t take a stake in either the failure or success. Let your teen own it all. If, in the past, you’ve been overly involved, you might take a more nonchalant stance here, tamping down your emotions.
It can initially be nerve-wracking and scary, but by stepping back, you’re allowing your teen to step up.
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