For a teen whose brain is in a million other places, picking up their wet towel from the bathroom floor doesn’t register as important. The same goes for doing chores or cleaning up their room. They have better things to do than clean up. Or they’ll forget, wanting to clean up, but at some other time. Or they simply don’t want to do it, and if they wait long enough, perhaps their parent will give up nagging. But there’s one other common reason why teens don’t clean up their mess which parents may not expect.
The one reason teens don’t clean up their mess which parents may not expect
As mature and physically capable your teen may be, their emotions can get in their way. When you ask them to pick up after themselves, you’re essentially asking them to behave like an independent person who doesn’t need a parent’s help. While they intellectually want to be independent, this independence comes at an emotional cost: it means losing their parent as a caregiver.
In a teen’s rational mind, they know that parents won’t abandon them when they become independent. Their parent will still be there to help them figure out renting their first apartment, paying taxes, or preparing for a job interview. But becoming an adult is a gradual process, and the child-part of a teen feels sad and scared when a parent isn’t running the show.
In other words, when your teen behaves like a child—for example, not cleaning up after themselves—they want to continue feeling their parent’s caring presence.
If the mature-part of the teen wants independence, that very independence threatens the child-part of the teen who worries they can’t hack it.
So, at times, they behave like a child, inviting their parent to behave like a parent again.
Which means you nag and nag, you pull your hair, you scream, and you wonder if this kid will ever grow up.
What should parents then do?
1 Tolerate backsliding. Teens take two steps forward, then one step back. Their independence can trigger their insecurity. Expect them to regress a little as part of their maturing.
2 Ask yourself what the function of their behavior is. In other words, what are the emotions that are driving their behavior? If you can understand what emotions are driving the backsliding, then you can respond to your teen’s emotions, not their behavior. They likely just need a bit more connection and support from you at this moment.
3 Indulge a little. Say something like, “I asked you to empty the dishwasher, and I know you can and would do it, but I can see you’re wiped out, so I’ll do it this time. Not a problem. And next time, you can do it.”
4 Meet your teen where they are at. Teens are a moving target! Some days, they are independent and want nothing to do with you. Other days, they are super needy. That’s to be expected. Show up for them in whatever way they need at that moment. It means being flexible and offering your support in whatever way they need.
5 Avoid rejecting your teen. Teens often act out by rejecting their parents, inviting their parents, in turn, to reject them back. But teens experience their parent’s rejection as abandonment. Just know that your teen still loves and needs you, and adolescence is a passing phase.
6 Remember: you and your teen’s goals are the same. You both want them to be independent, capable adults. For your teen, doing so feels a little sad because it means losing you as a parent.
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