Serious Consequences

Momma said the baby wasn’t Daddy’s. Which meant that Daddy wasn’t the Daddy of my brother. She said my brother is only half mine, but all hers, and not Daddy’s at all. She said Daddy wasn’t sad about it, but Momma seemed sad. But maybe she was sad because little JJ was born sick. She said there was a different Daddy for JJ who didn’t matter because he left That man left and was never here anyway. So it’ll be me and JJ and Momma, with Daddy who is my Daddy but not little JJ’s.

I’ll still go to Daddy’s and I’ll still go to Momma’s but JJ will stay with Momma because I can’t take him with me to Daddy’s because Daddy doesn’t want him. Which is okay with me. I don’t really want him either because he’s only half mine and not any of Daddy’s.

The other day JJ came home but he doesn’t look like a baby. He looks like the old man next door even though JJ’s just a baby. I’m not supposed to touch him because his heart is sick. But I don’t want to touch him. He looks funny. But not funny like laughing. Funny like he’s all wrong. I want him to go away. To go back to the hospital. But Momma wants him with us. She said he almost perished, which means he almost died, which means he almost went away.

Maybe it was good he didn’t die because if he died and went away, then Momma would know I did it because I wanted him to go away. If he died and went away, Momma would be super mad at me and might send me away, too. And then I’d be gone and I wouldn’t see Momma or Daddy because I’d be somewhere else. Now JJ’s sick and I’m scared Momma will find out I did that, too, even though I didn’t think it up.

His heart is sick, and hearts are where love comes from. I don’t love him. And maybe that made his heart sick. Which means that if Momma finds out, I’m in trouble and there will be serious consequences in store for me.

Maybe JJ will get better and no one will ever know I did it because they’ll forget about his heart being sick. Maybe his heart can get better and he can have love again. But even if he’s better, I won’t love him. I don’t want to love him. Maybe that means there’s something wrong with my heart. Like my heart is sick, too. Maybe I got it from him like catching a cold. Or maybe he gave it to me because that’s the serious consequence in store for me.

All I know is I can’t let them find out that my heart has a problem, too. So I’ll try not to think about any of it. I’ll make myself love him if I have to. I’ll make myself good so that I’m never bad. Only good. Only ever good.