Feeling small is a universal experience when children are young. Sure, they may act big and powerful, but really, they feel incredibly small. The effects of feeling small for young children is enormous, and it not only determines their behavior, but it can create lasting narratives, both helpful and harmful.
The child’s perspective
Nearly every interaction a young child has reinforces the idea that she is small and has little power. She already knows this all too well, living in a world of giants who make (and enforce) the rules. Being small essentially means feeling helpless and scared.
Naturally, kids are curious how much control and power they can have. So they test limits: What if I yank the cat’s tail? What if I take his toy? What if I throw sand? What if I shriek as loud as I can in the grocery store? They’re discovering that in some ways—especially ones that involve their body—they aren’t that small or powerless. In some cases, they can make other people feel helpless of scared.
In this way, kids often deal with their fear and helplessness by making others have these same feelings.
For example, if there’s a new baby in the family, they might point out how helpless the baby is. Or they might make you worry they’ll be too rough with the baby, thereby passing their feelings of fear onto you!
It’s common for parents to feel helpless when it comes to parenting: they can’t get their child to stay in his bed; they can’t get their child to leave on time for school, and so on. Kids have an almost endless way of frustrating parents, but they are often only wanting parents to feel the same helplessness that they feel. (For more on how children give their unwanted emotions to others, check out the fundamental post, “A Key Technique Therapists Use to Figure Out Kids.”)
Feeling helpless is central to a young child’s experience, and it often motivates the child’s behavior; when parents recognize this, it opens completely new ways to respond.
What does this mean for parents?
To make sense of your child, consider how much of her behavior is likely an effect of feeling small and helpless, of being uncertain and frightened, of never really understanding what’s going on. It’s a difficult state to live in, but it doesn’t have to be quite so troubling for little kids.
When I run parenting workshops, I keep returning to the basic premise of parenting: the first job of the caregiver is to understand the child, not necessarily fix the problem. In this case, it means recognizing your child’s emotions and then helping your child recognize them, too.
For example, let’s say a three-year-old doesn’t want to leave the toy store despite his mom’s many warnings. Eventually, she picks him up, he fights against her, then realizing it’s no use, he goes boneless and screams wildly. Eventually—whether this is minutes later or that night as she tucks him into bed—when he’s calmed down and can hear her, she says, “I get it…at the toy store, you hated my picking you up. That I controlled your body. That I’m big and you’re small. I know that feels horrible. It’s okay if you were mad at me, or sad, or just feeling small. I know it doesn’t feel fair.”
A couple of key things to note here:
- The mom keeps her comments short so as not to overwhelm her child. She ducks in, names the feelings, then ducks out.
- The mom doesn’t apologize. After all, she’s done nothing wrong. Instead, she empathizes with her son’s feelings.
- The mom doesn’t explain why she picked up her son. Parents often resort to explaining things as a way of defending their actions. But in doing so, they avoid talking about emotions, which is the whole point of talking!
- The mom doesn’t try to “fix” her son’s being angry, sad, or helpless—for instance, by telling him not to worry about it, that it’s “all in the past”— because there is no real fix to having emotions. Instead, she lets him know his feelings are not only valid but manageable and tolerable. She’s setting the stage for her son to feel comfortable with himself and his feelings.
Big vs. small: both have perks
If feeling small leaves children uncertain and scared, being small also has its perks. From your child’s perspective, it’s pretty great having parents take care of you. They make food and snacks appear. They carry you when you don’t want to walk. They make you warm when you’re cold. They tuck you into bed and read to you. They make you feel special. With this in mind, it’s not uncommon for a five-year-old to sometimes pretend to be a baby so that the parent must feed or dress him. Yes, he might make himself as powerless as a baby, but it sure feels good being cared for.
What then can you do when your kindergartener insists that you get him dressed in the morning?
Rather than enter a power struggle—or, for that matter, just give in and dress him—how about voicing the struggle he’s having with feeling small? You could even do this while helping him get dressed. You might say, “Oh, you want to be little again and have me dress you. I know that feels really good to have me do lots for you. Maybe you’re tired of being big and doing everything on your own. Or maybe you’re afraid that if you get big, I’ll stop taking care of you—which isn’t true. So, for today, I’ll help get you dressed because I know you need it, and that tomorrow you’ll probably want to dress yourself.”
Keep in mind for both of you, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Your child is growing up, and he knows it, though it happens a bit too slowly from his perspective. Someday he will be big, and it will be helpful for him to know that this is your goal for him, too. You want him to be big and strong and powerful, and every step along the way, you will help him be as big as he appropriately can be.
Related Posts
Naming Emotions: a Key Part of Successful Parenting
Naming emotions for a child not only builds emotional intelligence and self-esteem, it improves the child’s behavior. Here’s how it’s done.
When There’s a New Baby in the Family
Understand what older siblings experience when a new baby arrives to better help them with their feelings and troubling behaviors.
Why Kids Need to Control Everything So Much
For young children, it’s not about controlling you or others: it’s all about their big feelings, especially feeling scared or helpless.
