As human beings, we have a serious ability to both think and feel. And thinking and feeling are very different from each other. Thinking is based on what we rationally know. Thinking is all about facts and data. Feelings are, well, just that: feelings. And because they’re feelings, they can’t be expected to make logical sense.
Let’s break down an example: you’re late for an important meeting so you consider driving really fast to make up some time.
Your thinking might go like this: if I drive fast, I’m more likely to get into a car accident or get a speeding ticket. Both are bad and would make me even later. Your thinking mind can also do the math to approximate how much time you’d be able to make up by speeding.
As a psychotherapist, whether I’m working with a small child or an adult, I like to refer to our “head” as our thinking part, and our “heart” is our feeling part. I’m not the only mental health professional to do this.
A psychiatrist once told me a patient needed to “grow a neck.” When he first said this, I was clueless, and a little amused. “How does someone grow a neck?” I asked.
He smiled. “The neck connects,” he said as if delivering a piece of rare wisdom. He went on to explain. “If you have a good, functioning neck, then your head and heart can talk to each other.”
I knew exactly what he meant. He was right. Growing a neck was the key.
Growing a neck
Back to the late-for-work example above: if your neck is functioning well, your head and heart can have a quick conversation. It might sound like this:
Heart:
I’m screwed. I’m late. They’ll think I’m totally irresponsible. I can’t afford that.
Head:
You’re ten minutes late. If you speed, you’ll only make up about three to five minutes. You’ll still be late.
Heart:
Shut up, head. I don’t care. I can’t have them thinking I’m totally worthless at my job.
Head:
There’s no real difference between being ten minutes and seven minutes late. And you’re not totally worthless. You’re exaggerating.
Heart:
I don’t care. I hate feeling stupid.
Head:
They’re not going to judge you. Everyone is late sometimes. You’re rarely late because you hate being late so much. They think you’re good at what you do.
Heart:
But I have to do better!
Head:
You’re doing a good enough job. Let it go. You’re making a bigger deal out of this than you need to.
Heart:
(sighs) Yeah, fine. Okay. I guess you’re right.
It’s not just my clients who struggle with this; we ALL struggle with getting our head and heart to talk to each other. And to listen, too!
I’d go so far as to say that every bad decision we make happens because our head and heart aren’t communicating. When this happens, we’re more likely to listen to only that screaming heart and not tap into what we know. After all, isn’t every bad decision one that doesn’t make good sense?
Feelings are wonderful things, but they can really get in the way. Especially when they are super intense. The more intense our feelings are, the more our head has to get in the game and speak to our heart. This can be hard to do, and it means we have to calm our feelings down so that our heart can listen to our head. It means doing whatever you need to do in order to calm yourself, whether it’s taking a few deep breaths, taking a walk, etc.
What does this mean for parents?
Look at it this way: when your four-year-old is having a tantrum, he’s all heart and no head. That’s expected. That’s appropriate for his age. (Remember, our brains are not fully formed until we’re 25 years old!) So you first help him calm down by recognizing how he’s feeling, even if those feelings are a little crazy. Only after he’s calmed a bit can he take in your talking rationally to him. You become the head while he is the heart. You are helping him develop and grow his neck! When kids have this repeated experience, they can start to take on both roles of head and heart, having the conversation within themselves as their rational thinking develops as they age.
Specifically, our own triggers
The thing we all have to watch out for is overreacting. When we overreact, our emotions take over because they are so intense. But they often are so intense because we are reminded of past experiences. My clients often say they are “triggered” because they are brought back to these earlier times. It’s as if the past emotions get added to the current emotions, making our feelings almost too intense to manage. (For a more comprehensive look at triggers, check out the post, “How to Manage Emotional Triggers in 5 Steps.”)
When this happens, we’re more likely to make bad decisions because our feelings overwhelm our thinking. It’s all that we hear. It’s like we are the kid having a tantrum again, but there’s no parent there to help us calm down and listen to our head and our rational thinking.
Which brings me to a really important part of parenting, the you part.
We all carry ghosts from the past, and these ghosts trigger our feelings. We don’t like the ghosts, we don’t want them, and so we try to bury them so they don’t come back and haunt us. But then real life happens and we get triggered, and suddenly we’re yelling at our kids, or we’re terrified by something, and we do things we regret.
Okay, fine. We’re human. We screw up. We try to get through each day at a time. Put aside the self-judgment here. Please! It doesn’t help us. Beating ourselves up is not my point!
My point is: we all have ghosts and if we know them and understand them, they won’t have nearly as much power over us. It’s all about understanding your own feelings and your own triggers so that your head can get in the game.
It’s one thing to grow a neck. But it’s another thing to understand what’s going on in your heart in the first place so that your head to talk your heart down at those times when feelings get intense.
What if, in the late-to-work example, the conversation had looked like this?
Heart:
I’m screwed. I’m late. They’ll think I’m totally irresponsible. I can’t afford that.
Head:
You often worry you’re irresponsible. That’s a trigger, isn’t it? Because you felt that way growing up, and so you still think that’s the case even though it’s so not true.
Heart:
Yeah, I suppose, but it still feels true.
Head:
(laughing, light-hearted) Really? You suppose? Do we need to go over this again? Should I find that list you made last month with all the things that you do that make you responsible? Remember the list you made?
Heart:
Yeah.
Head:
It’s not make believe. It’s real. But you forget because for so many years you got used to thinking you were irresponsible. You want to talk again about what happened when you were a kid?
Heart:
No, I remember. We don’t have to go there.
Head:
Right on. Are we good then?
Heart:
Yep. We’re good.
It sounds a little like two good friends talking, one supporting the other. But it’s based on a degree of self-knowledge and understanding.
So, what does this mean for you as a parent? It means that you can help your kid grow a neck by modelling the role of the head. But it also means that you can both grow a neck for yourself and understand all those emotions swirling inside your heart. It will definitely make you a better parent, but also a more solid, happier person, too.
Check out the related story, Upending, which gets at how both a parent and child struggle to listen to both their head and heart.
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