The intellectual side
You might say that kids are always playing. At least that’s how it feels for parents. Because to us, it seems they are always getting into something and exploring. But that’s a main purpose of play: to explore and learn.
Young kids have so much to learn, and they need to do it as fast as they can. Biologically, this is how we are programmed so that we have the best chance at survival. Children are naturally curious, and the only way to learn is to do. So, when your fifteen-month-old starts pulling books off the shelf, he’s doing a form of play by learning how books and gravity and his grabbing fingers all work together. Plus, it’s fun, especially when it gets a reaction from you!
In this way, kids are exercising their intellect and discovering their world. When they shove their hands into a container of uncooked lentils, they are stimulating their sense of touch and studying how it feels. When they fill a cup full of the lentils and pour it into another cup, they’re developing their coordination.
Kids also learn about emotions and relationships through their play. For instance, preschoolers become very aware of their peers, and they want to play and connect with them. Initially, they’re not sure how to do this and they have to learn that when they take another child’s toy, the child will be mad. They have to learn that if they’re too bossy and controlling, the other child will announce, “I don’t like you. You’re not my friend!”
Trial and error will help kids figure out the cause and effect of relationships, what behaviors work in getting what they want and with whom. They also will be learning to control their emotions as they play with other kids. While they may badly want a toy, they learn that by sharing, they can continue playing with the other child.
Projective play: a key to understanding children
Kids play not just to learn and interact but as a way to express and vent their feelings. In therapy, it’s called projective play because a child projects—or gives—her feelings to someone or something else. If we can decipher the feelings that the child is projecting, we can understand how the child herself feels.
Sometimes this takes a fairly literal form. Here are a few examples:
1. A child rocks a baby doll to sleep, tucks her into bed, and says, “I love you, little baby.”
Here, the child is displaying loving and caretaking feelings towards a dependent child, and is likely expressing her wanting to experience this as well.
2. A four-year-old who has a new baby sister shows how two kid figurines live in a doll house together. Then one of the kids is locked outside of the house while the other one happily goes to bed.
If we didn’t know the context, it would be a bit more difficult to decipher what’s going on here. But knowing the background, it seems pretty transparent (and stereotypical): this older sibling feels jealous and angry at the new baby and fantasizes about getting rid of it.
Sometimes the expression of feelings might be more symbolic or metaphorical:
3. A child shoves all the doll house furniture and people into one of the doll house rooms, making a crazy mess, then shoves in anything else he can get his hands on: miniature animals, a pile of Legos, some finger puppets, the bin containing crayons, markers, and pencils, and so on. **
This child is likely expressing how overwhelmed he feels, that his (metaphorical) room is bursting with things that he can’t contain or manage.
** Many parents witnessing this would start to panic, thinking, “Holy f*#!, my kid is trashing everything, and I’ll be the one cleaning it up. I have to stop him now, now, now!” The parent is starting to feel overwhelmed, and this is exactly how the child is feeling. This is not coincidence. When parents can tap into their own feelings, they can get a further understanding of their child’s emotions. (For more on this, see the post, “A Key Technique Therapists Use to Figure Out Kids.”)
Sometimes kids want to project their feelings onto the person they’re playing with:
4. A child “cheats” or changes the rules of Chutes and Ladders so that he always wins and you lose.
He wants you to know how it feels to be helpless, unsuccessful, and less than others.
5. A child plays hide and seek with you, but always makes noises or chirps to be sure that you find her quickly.
The girl wants to be found and reunited. She’s playing out how it feels to be separated and then reconnected. The play is all about her trying to express and manage her separation anxiety.
6. Repeatedly, your child’s T-Rex attacks and destroys the Brontosaurus he’s given you. No matter how you try to fight back, nothing works, and he insists your dinosaur always dies.
He’s playing out his feelings of aggression and perhaps his anger. He’s making your dinosaur into the one who is dominated and hurt and powerless. He is likely having these feelings and he’s wanting to rid himself of them by giving them to you. Important Note: the aggression is not necessarily directed at you personally!
Then, when you tell him you have to stop in a minute to make dinner, he makes his dinosaur die and yours the victor.
He’s scared that he’s left you feeling helpless and therefore very angry. So he reverses the roles as a way to appease the anger he assumes you must have because he, himself, has this anger.
Projective play gives parents a doorway into their child’s emotions. This is especially useful when kids are too young to identify or voice their feelings. In the “Related Posts” below, we explore how parents can use this understanding to better connect and help their child.
(And for more on deciphering a child’s behavior, check out the post, “How to Make Sense of Your Child’s Behavior: Some Examples.”)
Related Posts
Voicing Your Child’s Emotions: the Direct Approach
Talking to kids about their feelings is one of the most important yet challenging jobs for parents. Here’s how to make it a lot easier.
How to Bond With Your Child Through Playing: What No One Else is Telling You
One of the best ways to connect with your child is through attuned play, but it’s not always obvious how to do it or what it actually looks like. This post tells you how.
What Actually is Play Therapy and How It Works
If you’ve wondered what exactly happens when therapists “do play therapy,” this post will explain it all as well as how and why it works.
