Why kids behave as they do
So many parents get advice that looks only at the child’s behavior: if you want your child to go to bed on time, then have a bedtime routine. If you want your kid to get dressed without fussing, set up a rewards system, or give your child a choice: red shirt or blue shirt? And so on.
This is all good advice, and it can be really helpful. But most of this advice is missing a basic piece of how kids work: they are a ball of emotions, and these emotions generate their behavior.
Rather than look only at how to change our kid’s behavior—to often suit our needs—can we understand the behavior as an expression of how our kid is feeling?
Why it's hard to figure out a child's feelings
Let’s step back for a moment to better understand what’s going on inside little kids and their feelings.
Because they are little—and here, we’re talking about anywhere from 1 to 7 years old—they are not going to be able to tell you how they feel most of the time, and especially when they have big feelings. Most of the time, they won’t even know what they are feeling.
Kids are born with all their feelings intact. Even though they often don’t understand what those feelings are, they still want you to understand them.
An example
Let’s say your kid is melting down because she can’t have the very cute stuffy on the store’s shelf. This is a common enough experience, right? But the meltdown probably is not because of the stuffy. Okay, yes, the issue is about the stuffy, but the real issue is bigger than a cute stuffy.
If the stuffy is just a stand-in for some other issue going on for your child, what’s the actual issue? That’s the key question! Understanding your child’s hidden feelings is taken up in posts such as “Using Play Therapeutically, part 1&2” as well as “Kids and Play: What’s Really Going On,” but for now, know that the behavior—the meltdown—is caused by overwhelming feelings and needs.
All feelings are okay
If children both need to express their feelings and have you understand what those feelings are, they also need to know that their feelings are acceptable.
Every feeling a child has is a natural response to what he experiences. A child is never wrong for having a certain feeling. Yes, he may be misunderstanding something and therefore having an unexpected feeling but his feelings are nonetheless valid.
Good vs. bad behavior
Parents often think of behavior as good or bad, but this isn’t how young kids see it.
For example, parents think soup goes in the mouth, not on the floor. But for a one-year-old, why shouldn’t soup go on the floor when it makes such an interesting pattern and gets such a surprising reaction from the parent? For the two-year-old, why not draw on the wall which is such a perfect place to do it?
For kids, it’s not about being good or bad.
Even when your five-year-old understands the idea of good and bad behavior, it doesn’t mean he’s going to make his choices based on this.
If we only focus on getting kids to behave, we’re missing the boat. The whole point of their behavior is to tell us something. And what they are trying to say is almost always how they feel.
The function of the behavior
Parents often find it’s very helpful to ask themselves, What is the function of the behavior? What is my kid trying to tell me? What feelings is he expressing with this behavior?
I believe our goal as parents isn’t to get our child to behave better; it’s to understand her feelings. Rather than respond to her behavior, let’s respond to her feelings!
And here’s the magic pill you’ve been waiting for:
When we speak to our child’s feelings rather than her behavior, the “bad” behavior tends to go away. After all, she no longer feels the need to behave in this so-called “bad” way because her parent now understands how she feels.
(For more on how to talk to kids about their feelings, check out the post, “Naming Emotions: a Key Part of Successful Parenting.”)
Related Posts
How Feeling Small Surprisingly Affects a Child’s Behavior
Young children feel very small, and this feeling radically affects everything they do. Understanding exactly how kids feel small can help parents deal with tough behaviors.
Why Young Children (Have To) Think We’re the Best
Kids need to believe parents are near-perfect. It’s awesome for parents, but it can create some serious dilemmas (and issues) for children.
Naming Emotions: a Key Part of Successful Parenting
Naming emotions for a child not only builds emotional intelligence and self-esteem, it improves the child’s behavior. Here’s how it’s done.
