What You Need to Know About Kids and Fantasy

First, when we talk about kids and fantasy, we’re talking about anything that is make-believe, from the existence of monsters under the bed to being Wonder Woman. Fantasies can be good or bad, scary or delightful, completely absurd (i.e. I am orange Jell-O) or relatively reasonable (i.e. I am a doctor). They can also be somewhat subtle. For example, when a four-year-old who can’t swim wants to jump into the pool alone, it’s not just bad judgment but a fantasy that he can swim like the other kids.

Developmentally, for children five and under, their fantasies feel very real. The fact that something can be conjured in their mind—say, a toe nail monster—is proof enough that one must exist. In this way, there’s no clear distinction between what’s inside versus outside the child’s head. Thoughts become real, physical things, and so we have monsters lurking in closets despite a parent’s insistence that, having just inspected it, the closet is monster-free. (Because as soon as the parent leaves the room or shuts the closet door, the monster will return, for that’s just the way monsters are!)

Just because kids frequently fantasize doesn’t mean they’re losing touch with reality. When your four-year-old insists he can see people waving to him from an airplane passing high overhead, you don’t need to correct him to make sure he’s grounded in reality. Instead, you might say, “Wow, you have the strongest eyes in the world. That’s got to feel awesome!” In this way, you’re speaking to and connecting with his emotions, not his intellect. You’re using his fantasizing to understand his emotional world.