So often, I hear parents say, “Why does my child want to control so much? His having to control things is out of control!” They tell me they have to say no all the time until saying no just becomes a habit. “I feel like I’m a bad parent,” one mom told me. “I won’t let him push the elevator button because of how he insists on doing it. We’re always in this power struggle, and I’m tired of it.”
The power struggle is very real, but a child’s need for control isn’t for the sake of control or power. It starts (and ends) with his emotions, so that’s where we’ll start.
The emotional side of things
When kids are young—say, under seven—they are small in every way (except, of course, their emotions). They know how small they are, that you control access to ice cream, that you decide when they take a bath or go to bed. (For more on this, check out the post, “How Feeling Small Surprisingly Affects a Child’s Behavior.”)
Feeling so powerless, they only want to be bigger and to have some self-determination.
At this age, their ability to control others—much less themselves physically and emotionally—is seriously limited. So, naturally they try figuring out ways to gain control.
They’re not concerned about the abstract idea of power or control; again, they don’t want power for power’s sake.
Power is not an end in itself, but rather an antidote to feeling small—because along with feeling small comes feeling helpless and scared.
These two feelings—helpless and scared—underscore so much of young children’s behavior. And it means they test limits. Constantly.
Yes, they want to see how far they actually can control things, but under this is a need to feel safe.
When a child tests the limits—and this usually means testing us to see if we’ll hold a limit or follow through on a consequence—she’s not trying to gain control over her parent for the sake of having control.
She wants to feel powerful so as not to feel scared. The irony here is that if she gains too much power, this will also scare her. It comes down to walking the fine line between letting kids have some control, but not too much.
If a child feels she controls her parent, then she’ll feel she’s the one flying the plane—not the parent—and she knows she’s too little for this job.
How parents deal with the limits of their own power
As your child gets older, there’s less and less you can actually control. This becomes obvious the day your child figures out how to unbuckle herself from her car seat, and there’s no way you can get her to stay in her seat as you drive. Now what do you do? This is new territory for you both!
Some parents aren’t comfortable feeling so powerless. They may resort to physically intimidating a child or hitting him, literally beating him into submission. This is a bad idea in so many ways. Physically hurting a child—or threatening to do so—is hugely damaging to the child. (See the post on spanking for more on this, or check out the American Psychological Association’s article on physical discipline.)
Some parents use emotional manipulation when they feel their child is trying to control everything. For example, after telling a child to brush his teeth over and over, the parent is furious and now adds, “Brush now or I’ll be seriously mad. You don’t want to see me that mad, trust me.”
For the child, the parent’s rage threatens to break the connection between them; now toothbrushing becomes a matter of the child sustaining the parent’s loving feelings, and no child wants to risk losing this.
At the heart of emotional manipulation is a parent’s withdrawing of love, and the effects are as damaging as physically domineering a child.
So, what are the options?
Here’s a scenario:
Your child doesn’t want to stay in his bed and go to sleep. What do you do?
1. You might be tempted to duct tape him to bed or sit on him to make sure he stays put, but these aren’t the best of options.
2. You could put a lock on the door to make sure he doesn’t come out and find you, but you can’t keep him from screaming for you or pounding on the wall.
3. You could give consequences, telling him, “If you’re not asleep soon, I’ll need to cancel your playdate tomorrow because you’ll be too tired.” Sometimes consequences elicit the behavior you want. Sometimes they don’t. But you’ll still need to follow through on them.
In the end, you can’t really control what he does. You can only control what you do. So here’s a possible solution:
If he comes out of his room to be with you, you can tell him, “The time for being together has ended, it’s bedtime, and I will not spend more time with you. I love you enormously and I’ll see you in the morning, but not now. If you come out of your room, I’ll lock myself in the bathroom and stay there.”
But wait, there’s a missing piece to all this!
The above “solution” is only the first step; it’s only half of the solution.
The second step, which is often overlooked, is to name the child’s emotions that are causing the issue.
Remember, kids usually aren’t trying to get power and control; they’re trying to express some other emotion, and when you understand what your child is feeling—and when you can name that feeling for your child—the control issue tends to disappear. (For more on this, see the post, “Naming Emotions: a Key Part of Successful Parenting.”)
The goal with control is self-control
With respect to control, the goal is to help your child learn to control himself so that you don’t need to. Sometimes, saying those exact words to your small child can be hugely helpful. It could sound something like, “I know you’re angry, and that’s fine. But you need to control your body when you’re mad. If you can’t control your body, then I will have to help you control it.”
In this way, you’re telling him that you have no interest in controlling him, that you want to give up that power, and you’ll only step in if he can’t do it himself.
If the goal is to eventually have an 18-year-old who is self-sufficient and in control of himself, how do you get there? You have to give up control along the way. It’s a gradual process over your child’s first 18 years, and it starts in the first years of his life.
What parents actually can do
The general idea is to let your child control as much as he can handle. It means holding up two shirts and asking your two-year-old to pick which one he wants to wear. It means letting your four-year-old choose a dinner that you’ll make one night (within reason of course!) It really means listening to your child and what he wants and letting him have those things as much as possible. It means saying yes whenever you can.
It also means letting your child learn from making a bad choice, like playing in the rain without a rain jacket, knowing he’ll be wet and wanting to change clothes as soon as he comes inside.
But note, this isn’t a time to then scold or shame him for his bad decision. It’s a time for being empathetic and, in doing so, you’re letting him know that you’ll help him when he needs it, that you’re still there for him, and that you want him to have power over himself. (In this example, it’s also important to let him know that when it comes to health and safety, you will not let him make poor decisions. In this case, getting wet outside is not a safety issue, only a comfort one!)
A shift in perspective
When parents recognize that their child isn’t needing to control everything so much as wanting to feel empowered, they often feel something shift between them their child. The power struggle of parent versus child becomes more like a collaboration in which the parent helps the child take on more and more age-appropriate power. Which is also what you want, right? Wouldn’t you prefer a child who can get his own snack? It’s a win-win for you both. And perhaps just as importantly, it improves the bond between you and your child as you both work towards the common goal of autonomy.
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