In our first five (or so) years of childhood, we form key narratives that radically influence our whole lives. These narratives tell us who we are, what to expect from others, and how the world generally works. Nearly every decision we make is determined by our early childhood narratives. But because we are naïve and relatively ignorant as children—because we misperceive so much—we are at enormous risk of forming harmful narratives. Still, there’s hope here: as parents, when we understand what these narrative are and how they develop, we can help prevent harmful narratives from forming in our kids.
Here’s a quick summary of the 7 most common and most influential harmful narratives to watch for in your child.
1 “It’s my fault, I’m to blame.”
The two sources of this narrative: 1) a child’s natural egocentrism, 2) a child’s need to see parents as all good.
1. The egocentrism: Young children are naturally limited in their ability to imagine how other people experience things. They aren’t yet sophisticated enough to step into someone else’s mindset, so they interpret everything through their own perspective, often imagining that they are at the center of things.
So, when something bad happens, egocentric kids are more prone to assume that they are the cause.
This is especially true when the parents are responsible for something bad happening. If a parent is absent or neglectful, the child will believe she did something to warrant the neglect. If parents breakup/divorce, the child may believe she is somehow the cause.
2. The need to see parents as all good: As explored in detail in the post, “Why Young Children (Have To) Think We’re the Best,” kids need to see parents as near-perfect because it’s too upsetting to imagine that the parent has flaws or limitations; they need to know that the person flying the plane is a reliable, capable pilot. This sets up the child for a harmful narrative because she will throw herself under the bus in order to protect her parent from her own disappointment or anger.
2 “Anger isn’t a safe emotion.”
Associated narratives: “Avoid anger/conflict at all costs.” “If I get mad I’ll lose control of myself.” “Anger destroys relationships.”
The source of this narrative: parental anger
First, let’s define “anger.” Perhaps we should use “rage” or “fury” here because the important distinction to make is that a parent’s anger becomes problematic when it’s out of control (i.e. the parent is yelling or saying things they later regret).
How the narrative forms: Young children are often overwhelmed by a parent’s intense anger. They’re unable to take in anything the parent is saying; instead they only feel scared, confused, and powerless. Their parent has transformed into a terrifying monster, and the child ultimately feels the relationship between them is threatened, if not damaged and broken.
Anger—whether someone else’s or one’s own—becomes a scary emotion that should be avoided.
3 “I’m a bad kid.” “I’m unlovable.”
The source of this narrative: a child’s developing self-esteem
How the narrative forms: At its heart, self-esteem is a narrative; it’s that feeling (or lack thereof) that we’re valuable, worthy, and loveable. We form self-esteem narratives based on what others tell us about us—and what we tell ourselves, too.
In this way, shame is often at the root of unhealthy self-esteem narratives. Unlike guilt that tells us we have done something bad, shame is the feeling that we are bad. While shame can be self-generated—for instance, as an outgrowth of the previous narrative, “It’s my fault,” and therefore I should be ashamed of myself—children are particularly sensitive to messages of shame imparted by caregivers.
When parents lose sight of why their child misbehaves—i.e. believing their child is “bad” as opposed to the child’s expressing big feelings—parents run the risk of imparting a message of shame, that the child is somehow intrinsically bad or damaged goods.
4 “I’ll be rejected.” “People won’t like me.” “I am alone.”
The source of this narrative: real and perceived rejection
How the narrative forms: Kids are often being rejected by peers. But sometimes they feel rejected by parents when there’s a repeated lapse in connection. Whether the rejection is their perception only (i.e. the parent must work two jobs and therefore has less time and energy to connect despite wanting the connection) or based on a parent’s issues or limitations (i.e. an absent parent or one struggling with addiction), the child’s experience is what matters.
When the child experiences the parent as absent, the child doesn’t blame the parent or the circumstances but instead will blame themselves. (Again, kids need to maintain the parent as good.) Just as they felt rejected by a parent, the child will assume other people will similarly reject them.
(Note how this narrative intertwines with previous self-esteem narratives.)
5 “Feelings are scary or overwhelming.”
Associated narratives: “I can’t deal with my feelings.” “I shouldn’t have feelings.”
The source of this narrative: a child’s relationship to his own feelings
How the narrative forms: Kids universally experience feelings as too intense and overwhelming—this is why they have melt-downs and tantrums: they simply can’t control all the feelings swirling through them.
They need parents to remind them that feelings aren’t too big—at least not for the parent.
In another words, when the child is starting to meltdown at a crowded park, she needs the parent to calmly wait it out. But if the parent grabs her and hauls her away, telling her she’s an embarrassment, the child is given two message: 1) feelings are too big for both parent and child to handle, and 2) her big feelings make her a bad, undesirable child.
Parents need to model that feelings are tolerable and manageable. But if a parent is uncomfortable with feelings, pushing them away or burying them, the child may follow the parent’s lead, forming a narrative that feelings are dangerous and should be avoided.
6 “My needs aren’t important.”
Associated narratives: “I’m too needy.” “My needs will overwhelm others or drive them away.”
The source of this narrative: a child’s unmet needs
How the narrative forms: Sometimes parents can’t fully address a child’s needs—perhaps the child has a high-needs sibling, or even a high-needs parent (say, one with their own substantial mental health issues). Whatever the circumstances, if the child feels their needs aren’t being met, they may develop harmful narratives about their needs, themselves, and what they should expect from others.
Given a child’s egocentrism and their need to preserve parents as “all-good,” they may form a narrative that assumes their own shortcomings rather than someone else’s.
7 “If I control everything, I won’t feel scared.”
Associated narratives: “I need to be strong, tough, and big.” “Scary things happen and I can’t control them.”
The source of this narrative: feeling small and lacking control/power
How the narrative forms: All kids feel small. It’s one of the most intense and unavoidable experiences of childhood. Being small means having little power, and this makes kids feel helpless and scared. To escape these feelings, kids can develop unhealthy narratives.
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4 thoughts on “The Most Common Harmful Narratives in Children”
This is a really helpful article. Coming from someone who until a couple years ago has pushed away any intense feelings, I can really relate to all of these especially #5 “Feelings are scary or overwhelming”. I haven’t thought too much about where this comes from because that’s the problem itself…I’ve been pushing away anything related to having intense feelings. It’s helpful knowing that my avoiding my issues and feelings comes from when I was little and there’s a reason for why I feel the way I do.
This article and so many other ones have been really helpful. Thanks for putting these out there. It’s been helping me not only as a parent but in my own personal growth.
I’m so glad this post and others have been helpful. Doing personal work, especially when it involves intense feelings, is hard work! Keep at it!
It seems like so many of these narratives are interconnected. Like one will cause another one to start. Do narratives create other related narratives?
Hi, thanks for your observation. You are right in that one narrative can form and additional, related narratives can spin off from that one narrative such that multiple narratives are created from one experience. Thanks for your comment!