Let’s make one thing super clear: I believe all parents are doing the best they can given how they were raised and what they are now dealing with. I think parenting is the hardest job in the world and the most important one. So give yourself some slack. Know that none of us are perfect. We all mess up. We’re just trying to do a good enough job and that, in the end, is what we’re shooting for. To be the Good Enough Parent.
So, read this next section knowing that we’re not perfect, that all kids form unhealthy narratives despite our best intentions, and that these narratives can always be undone when you become aware of them.
First, a quick review: what are narratives?
Our earliest experiences—roughly the first five years of our life—have a profound effect on us because they are our first experiences. It’s like we’re born with a blank slate and these experiences form our understanding of how things work. Born from these early experiences, narratives are stories about ourselves and the world that form our life-long beliefs and expectations.
Narratives can carry unhealthy internal messages such as, “I’m not good enough,” or “I’ll never fit in.” Or they tell us how to act: “It’s my job to make everyone happy.” Or they can carry positive internal messages: “I’ll succeed if I work at it,” or “I’m loveable.”
Regardless of their content, narratives become the building blocks that tell us who we are, who others are, and what we can expect. Because they form so early, they’re invisible to us but often determine every action and choice we make.
(To see more details, check out the post, “Childhood Narratives: How They Impact Kids for a Lifetime.“)
Why we may not realize we’re passing down an unhealthy narrative
We are always in danger of passing down unhealthy narratives to our kids. For example, as we see in the linked short-short story, Lucifer, a mom who is scared of dogs unwittingly passes down her fear to her kid not by telling her son to be scared of dogs but by acting scared of dogs.
For this mom, her inaccurate and unhealthy narrative—that all dogs are very dangerous and should be avoided at all costs—appears rational and healthy to her. It’s based on her own experience with dogs, and she could argue that her fear has not only kept her safe but will also keep her child safe. Because her fear is so intense, it feels true, but she’s missing the fact that not all dogs are dangerous. With dogs, the trick is to figure out which ones can become dangerous and when. It’s a matter of understanding dogs and their behavior, which requires one’s intellect. But her feelings overwhelm her intellect and rule her behavior.
Pro Tip: When our feelings dominate and eclipse our rational thoughts, an unhealthy narrative is likely the cause.
In Lucifer, the mom isn’t intentionally and consciously passing on her fear of dogs; it’s just how she acts when confronted by one. But her actions are enough for her kid to hear the message and take it on himself.
Our own desires can pass down narratives
Our narratives determine nearly everything we say and do, so it’s not surprising that nearly everything we say and do creates similar narratives in our kid. In this way, we pass down not just our genes but all our attitudes and beliefs, our hopes and dreams. But sometimes our healthy narratives can create unhealthy ones in our child. This happens when we’re not in tune with where our kid is at.
For example, if we want our kid to be an athlete or a musician, if we want our kid to be outgoing rather than shy, if we want our kid to be more responsible than she can be, if we want our kid to be more sensitive—or more tolerant—than she can be, all of our desires can potentially set up a narrative that our kid isn’t good enough, that she disappoints us, that she shouldn’t be who she is.
Another everyday example
When a five-year-old’s beloved cat dies, his parent tells him not to cry and presents him with a new cat. When this same kid skins his knee playing and is starting to melt down, the parent tells him to shake it off, that he’s okay, that he’ll heal up quickly. When the boy is sad that a friend at school repeatedly won’t play with him, the parent tells him not to worry, he has other friends. When he loses a tooth and refuses to put it under his pillow for the tooth fairy, the parent reassures him that he’ll get a reward in exchange for the tooth.
While the parent’s responses aren’t bad, they aren’t in line with the kid’s needs or feelings. This parent wants the child to be more resilient, to bounce back, to think of things in a positive light. But because they are at odds with the kid’s feelings—and his need to express these feelings—they add up to send a message that the kid’s feelings should be pushed aside, especially feelings of loss or sadness.
This will become a narrative about how the kid should deal with loss and sadness, and it can also create additional narratives. The child might start to believe that he can’t handle sadness, or that he’s a disappointment, or that he’s weak.
We can also wonder why the parent keeps encouraging the child to push aside negative feelings. It suggests that the parent has their own narratives—likely based on childhood experiences—and is now passing them down.
Changing your desires to match your kid’s abilities
As a dad once told me, “I’m always pushing my kid to grow, to test his limits, to try new things, to do a little better. What can be wrong with that?”
It’s a great question, and perhaps the key to it is that one word, always, as in “I’m always pushing my kid…”
We want to push our kids but we don’t want to push too hard or too far—or too repeatedly. If our kid is uncoordinated, we want to help him become more comfortable with his body. But how far to push it? Should he play on a soccer team or do we just practice kicking a ball with him? Do we enroll him in Tae Kwon Do classes or do we dance with him in our living room? What’s the right amount of pressure and exposure? We’re walking the edge of what is tolerable for our child versus what is going too far. In this way, it comes down to figuring out what our kid can manage in this particular moment. If parents can stay alert to where their kid is at—rather than where the parent wishes their kid were at—they greatly reduce the chance of inadvertently creating unhealthy narratives.
To sum up:
- Watch for times when your rational self is overwhelmed by your feelings. Consider whether there’s an unhealthy narrative here which you might then pass on.
- Pay attention to times when your desires may not match up with your kid’s needs and capabilities.
Related Posts
Childhood Narratives: How They Impact Kids for a Lifetime
Narratives are one of the most important things parents need to know about a child’s psychology. This post will tell you what they are and how they work.
(mis)Perceptions: The Reason Young Kids Have So Much Trouble
Because young children misunderstand and misperceive things, they can create harmful narratives that can last a lifetime. Here’s how to prevent this.
Lucifer
Two friends, and what happens when one is terrified of dogs.
