You’d be surprised how often parents bypass the opportunity for talking with kids about their emotions . It’s usually not intentional. Because we parents tend to be intellectually minded, we talk about intellectual, practical things with kids rather than focus on their emotions. In doing so, we miss the chance to connect with our child and to help her develop her emotional intelligence.
Let’s look at an example:
At some point, all parents struggle with getting their child to bed. The conversation might sound like this: (And for more on this specific issue, see the post, “Bedtime: The Things No One Is Mentioning.”)
Parent:
I need you to go to bed.
Child:
Why? I don’t want to.
Parent:
Because you need your sleep. Because if you’re tired tomorrow, you’ll be cranky and miserable, and you’ll make everyone else feel the same.
Child:
I just want to stay up a little and do stuff.
Parent:
Like what? It’s already been thirty minutes longer. I don’t want you getting into the habit of a later bedtime.
Child:
[rubbing his eyes, clearly tired] But I’m not tired!
Parent:
Yes, you are! It’s obvious. Please, just get in bed and stop arguing with me.
Child:
[getting angry] I’m not arguing.
Parent:
Right, and what do you call it when I keep telling you to get in bed and you refuse to. You’re arguing with me and I need you to stop and go to bed because there’s a ton I still have to do and I can’t do it with you keeping on like this. So, would you please, please just go to sleep!
Okay, you get the idea. But what’s actually going on? Why is the child refusing to go to bed?
Perhaps he wants more time with his parent. Perhaps he’s scared. Or perhaps he’s being obstinate to feel some sense of power or control. Either way, his reasons are emotionally driven.
However, his parent only responds with intellectual arguments: he needs his sleep, the parent doesn’t want him to develop bad habits, he is tired, he is arguing, etc. In this way, the parent doesn’t connect with the child and his feelings, which are creating the problem in the first place.
The truth is, most kids most of the time are motivated by their emotions, not their thoughts. When parents talk with a child about his emotions, they not only connect with their child but can often work though problems.
Don’t stray from talking about the emotional
Here’s another example.
Let’s say a three-year-old doesn’t want to leave the toy store despite her dad’s many warnings. Eventually, he picks her up, she fights against him, then realizing it’s no use, she goes boneless and screams wildly. Later, when she’s calmed down enough, he says, “I had to pick you up and take you out of the toy store because it was time and I gave you lots of warnings. I know you hated that, but we had to get back in time to make dinner so that we could start bedtime before it was too late. Because lately, you haven’t had enough sleep. So I picked you up because I didn’t have a choice, and when I tell you it’s time to go—and I tell you a lot of times—I have to follow through, even if it means picking you up. So I’m sorry about that.”
At first, the father seemed to speak to the girl’s feelings, saying he understood she “hated” being picked up, but then he gets sidetracked talking about bedtime, an intellectual idea. Rather than return to talking with her about her feelings, he only explains the academics of why he had to pick her up, as if he feels he has to defend his actions. (In fact, at the end, he apologies as if he’s done something wrong when in reality, he hasn’t.)
The kid’s reaction to all this? She doesn’t care about her dad’s explanations, about he not having a choice, and his needing to follow through. She only cares that her dad picked her up and forced her to leave. For her, it’s all emotional.
Instead, what if the father had said something like, “I get it…At the toy store, you hated my picking you up. That I controlled your body. That I’m big and you’re small. I know that feels horrible. It’s okay if you’re mad at me, or sad, or just feeling small. I know it doesn’t feel fair.”
He’s not apologizing, justifying, or explaining. He’s staying with his daughter’s emotional experience. Also, he isn’t trying to fix anything here, as many parents tend to do. Because there’s nothing to be fixed. She had some big feelings and that’s okay.
By naming the emotions, he’s helping his daughter understand her feelings and get them out of her body where she can deal with them. When kids start to understand their intense feelings, the emotions don’t feel quite as big or overwhelming.
What’s under a child’s intellectual-sounding questions
Let’s say your five-year-old returns from kindergarten and is clearly anxious. He then tells you a classmate was taken out of his mother’s home and put into something called “the foster system.” He tells you he overheard the boy saying he would never be able to see his mom again.
“What’s a foster system?” he now asks you.
While you might be tempted to explain how foster care and the Department of Social Services work, he’s not actually interested in any of that. He’s anxious! Five-year-olds don’t ask abstract, intellectual questions despite what this one sounds like. At this age, he’s mostly concerned with how things might affect him personally.
If he’s confused as to why his classmate would never be allowed to see his mother again, he’s actually worried about himself: if someone lost their mom, perhaps he, too, could lose his. This is the true content of his question, which needs answering with something like this:
“That sounds totally scary and confusing that your classmate was taken away from his mom. This happens sometimes when parents have major personal problems that make them unable to be a parent. I feel really bad for your classmate and his mom. But just know, in case you were wondering, nothing’s going to happen between us. I don’t have these kinds of problems, so you don’t have to worry about that one bit.”
This speaks to his real concern, and if he’s still interested in how the foster care system works, he’ll ask. But it’s pretty unlikely. You’ve answered his true question.
Sometimes when answering questions, it’s necessary to momentarily stray from speaking to the child’s emotions. Here, the parent gives some intellectual information when explaining how kids are separated from parents who have “major personal problems.” This is necessary data for the child so that he can make sense of what happened to his classmate and also understand it won’t happen to him and his parent.
(For more on this common parenting pitfall, check out the short-short story, Muffin Magic, in which a well-meaning father does the unthinkable.)
Related Posts
Voicing Your Child’s Emotions: the Direct Approach
Talking to kids about their feelings is one of the most important yet challenging jobs for parents. Here’s how to make it a lot easier.
Naming Emotions: a Key Part of Successful Parenting
Naming emotions for a child not only builds emotional intelligence and self-esteem, it improves the child’s behavior. Here’s how it’s done.
Muffin Magic
A father makes a critical mistake as his daughter learns important lessons about what’s real and what’s not.
