Reading bedtime stories to your child has so many benefits, but there’s one that many parents overlook: these bedtime stories create healthy narratives in your child. Many posts on the website’s “Tools for Talking” page highlight a lot of “therapisty” ways to promote healthy narratives; reading bedtime stories is a comparatively simple yet incredibly powerful way to promote the narratives you feel your child needs.
How stories become narratives
Children’s stories affect kids on an emotional level. For instance, let’s take the common absent-parent-returns-home story. This story is always some version of 1) a parent leaves, 2) the child then feels alone, scared, sad, worried, etc., 3) the parent returns, and 4) all is good again. That’s it. That’s the story.
The story appeals to a child’s feelings of separation because all kids naturally fear being separated from their parents, especially at bedtime.
When the story is read over and over—which is often the case with bedtime stories—the repetition of a returning parent becomes a narrative.
Repetition is the key here because repeated messages become a kind of reality. In other words, when your child wants to read the same book for the hundredth time, just go with it! They are converting the story into a narrative.
Why bedtime stories?
Bedtime is hard for kids because it means they’ll be separate from parents. Bedtime stories—whether you’re reading one from a book or making one up on the spot—allow kids to connect with their parents before the upcoming separation. Particularly at bedtime, kids tend to be receptive to their feelings, especially if their feelings are expressed for them through stories.
Just as play allows kids to better tolerate tough, emotional subjects—like a parent’s leaving—stories provide that needed emotional distance. With a story, the child gets to observe someone else missing a parent. This distance acts as a buffer so that the child can safely sample the feelings without completely owning them. (For more on this, check out the post, “Talking About Hard Subjects: Using an Indirect Approach.”)
Don’t just read stories…
Interact with the stories you’re reading or telling. Use them as an entry way to naming feelings.
For example, let’s say your child is nervous about an upcoming doctor’s appointment. Find some appropriate books—or get some from the library—so that when you read, say, Paddington Bear’s visit to the doctor, you can interrupt the reading with observations or questions: “Paddington doesn’t like getting the shot but then he feels better right away,” or “How do you think Paddington feels when the doctor listens to his heart?”
In these ways, you create the narrative that doctors can be trusted, and if there’s pain, it’s only short-lasting.
Making up stories
Many parents are hesitant to make up a story. It can feel intimidating, especially if you set a high bar of expectation for yourself. Just keep in mind that your child’s bar is not nearly as high. In fact, it’s probably very low.
They will love whatever story you tell them because it’s coming straight from you and told only for them. To kids, it feels very special.
So let your mind go, and enjoy yourself.
Invent stories that speak to the issues your child is having. If your child is struggling with self-esteem, tell a story about an elephant who helps a hippo friend, and then realizes what a good friend they can be to others.
Don’t be afraid to tell a story that mimics your child’s circumstances, tailoring your story to the specifics of your child’s struggles.
Also, if you get stuck in the telling, you can always ask your child what should happen next, inviting them to project their own fantasies onto the story. This is helpful not just when you’re stuck but because it helps direct the story towards the issues your child is having.
Related Posts
The Most Common Harmful Narratives in Children
A list of common harmful narratives children develop, why they develop these narratives, and how you can keep the narratives from forming.
Drawing Out the Story
Drawing with your child is an excellent way to better understand what’s going on inside your kid. Therapists often use this tool, and so can you.
Voicing Your Child’s Emotions: the Direct Approach
Talking to kids about their feelings is one of the most important yet challenging jobs for parents. Here’s how to make it a lot easier.
2 thoughts on “Using Bedtime Stories to Create Healthy Narratives in Your Child”
My kiddo loves it when I make up stories about him. It’s a great way to build up his self-esteem. And it’s fun too to come up with his new adventures each night and its really good bonding between us. It makes bedtime a lot more fun for both of us.
So many kids books feature male characters. It’s like a default, even when most of the stories have nothing to do with being male or female. What kind of message am I giving my daughter if most of the stories are about boys?
So I just change the gender on most of what I read, substituting she for he. It doesn’t change the story, but it creates a world in which girls are the spotlight. If there’s a narrative in this, I guess it’s just that girls matter.
In a world which is so male-oriented and male-dominated, it’s the least I can do for my daughter.