When we talk to a good friend about a problem, we tend to feel better. This usually has less to do with the friend’s advice—if they even offer any—and more to do with their simply listening and validating our feelings. They aren’t necessarily naming emotions for us, but rather helping us get them into the open where we can see them.
It’s the same with children. However, when a child’s emotions create issues, parents can overlook the emotions and focus on the issue instead. For instance, when your daughter wants to stay in the bath another hour, or wants her birthday to come NOW, or wants to pet the squirrel at the bird feeder, it’s easy to focus on the problem, especially when it’s an intellectual one: the bath water is cold and it’s time for bed; your birthday only comes on your birth day, hence the name; and squirrels generally don’t do well with being pet.
As smart, thinking grownup people, parents are especially good at addressing intellectual issues. We’re problem-solvers. But it may not help much explaining that squirrels tend to bite if you happen to catch one and try petting it; your kid still wants to pet the thing and doesn’t care about all your practical, logical, know-it-all parenting ideas.
So, what do you do?
When parents name emotions for their young child—who often can’t name or even recognize the emotion—something wonderful happens: the child tends to feel better, and any acting out behaviors tend to disappear.
Just as we find comfort in talking to a friend, kids feel better when someone recognizes and validates their feelings.
What naming emotions looks like
Naming emotions doesn’t have be complicated, especially with young children. It might vary though depending on the child’s age and what she can understand. For instance, naming emotions might generally evolve in this way:
With a two-year-old: “You’re feeling angry.”
With a three-year-old: “You’re angry at me because I said ‘no’ to you.”
With a four-year-old: “I see how frustrated you are because I can’t take you to your friend’s house. And I think you’re sad, too. Maybe even more sad than mad.”
With a five-year-old: “You say you hate me because I’m letting the doctor give you a shot. Okay, I get that. But I also think you’re super scared of the shot and hating that you don’t get any say in this. I’m sorry about that.”
In these examples, I’m using the age of the child as a rough guideline, but you essentially want to talk about feelings in a way that your child can developmentally grasp them. As your child gets older, you can include where you think the feelings come from. If she’s able to grapple with the idea of having multiple or conflicting feelings, you can point those out to her, too.
Also keep in mind that naming the feeling is just and only that. Avoid naming the feeling and then giving a long, intellectual explanation as to why your child can’t, say, stay in the bath for another hour. Just name the feeling and stop there. Let the two of you sit with it and feel it. To add anything more would only distract your child from processing the feeling.
After all, that’s the goal, isn’t it? To process and be done with the feeling?
This means that your child has to feel the feeling. In doing so, she may also recognize that she can handle the feeling, that it isn’t bigger than she is, and that she can let it go. Letting the feeling go can take time, whether a few minutes or an hour or more, depending on your child.
The key here is to let your child know that you feel for her and her struggle, and that you know she’ll be able to manage. The bad feelings may feel bad, but will go away with a little time. If you’re confident about this, your child will sense it and be able to move on more easily.
Why naming emotions works
In a nutshell: it’s because of the connection between you and your child.
When you name emotions, you’re telling your child you understand him and the stuff that’s inside him. That’s a real connection. And he will feel closer to you because you get him.
By naming emotions—and thereby tolerating the emotions—you’re also letting your child know that his feelings are not too big to handle by you or him. This sends the message that feelings are manageable and okay to have. By sitting with him and his feelings, you’re also telling him that you approve of him and whatever strong emotions he’s having. This only strengthens the feeling of connection between the two of you.
Building emotional intelligence
When you name your child’s emotions, you’re teaching him not just the words for feelings but how to identify and recognize those feelings in himself. This is an essential part of emotional intelligence.
By having words for how he feels, you’re helping him be in touch with what is going on inside him. When he can understand and communicate all this, he won’t need to act out these feelings. In another words, when a child’s emotional intelligence improves, his acting out behaviors decrease. (For more on this, check out the post, “The All-Important Link Between Feelings and Behavior.”)
When we know what we feel, we know ourselves. But when we ignore or avoid our feelings, we cut ourselves off from ourselves. It’s like we can’t have a relationship with the very person inside of us. If we can’t have an open, honest relationship with ourselves, how will we have one with others?
At its root, emotional intelligence is one’s ability to openly communicate with oneself!
This ability ultimately helps kids develop a strong sense of themselves and their self-worth. Not only can they work through emotional issues more easily, they develop a sense of confidence, competency, and emotional strength, all of which is fundamental to becoming a healthy, happy, and emotionally stable person.
Having feelings is good
Because feelings can get intense, many people push them away so as to protect themselves from being overwhelmed.
This kind of habit starts at the earliest of ages, and is often to taught to kids by their parents who have trouble dealing with intense feelings. If a child learns from parents that emotions are too big, too scary, too intense, or too overwhelming, the child will learn to shut down, avoid, and ignore his emotions. This will only cause serious problems, especially later in life. (To understand more how this process happens, check out one of the most important posts on this site: “Childhood Narratives: How They Impact Kids for a Lifetime.“)
Naming the feeling teaches a very different lesson to young children. It tells them that all feelings can be talked about and looked at, even the very big ones. It tells kids that feelings are a part of living, that feelings come with being human. I would go so far as to say that feelings humanize us. They are what make life rich. They add color and flavor to everything.
Embrace feelings, and help your child do so, too.
(NOTE: Sometimes, kids act in odd ways, and it can be hard to figure out what exactly they are feeling based on their behavior. For more on deciphering a child’s behavior, check out the post, “How to Make Sense of Your Child’s Behavior: Some Examples.”)
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1 thought on “Naming Emotions: a Key Part of Successful Parenting”
I love this. It’s so simple to just name emotions for my child. Reading this now I realize how much I overdo it and talk too much, especially when I start explaining things. It just overwhelms my son and whatever good I did with talking about his feelings gets lost. This post is a great reminder to get out of the way, and keep it simple and focused on where my kid is at emotionally.