NOTE: In the first of this two-part post, we review a few considerations and guidelines parents need to follow to successfully do therapeutic play. It’s best to read this first part before continuing to the second where we look at how to actually do this type of play.
In the post, “How to Bond With Your Child Through Playing: What No One Else is Telling You,” we looked at how to better connect with your child through playing. If nothing else, this is enough! But play also gives you the opportunity to help your child work through her feelings and issues. While this is what therapists do, we’re not actually talking about doing play therapy with your own child—for so many reasons, you can’t act as your child’s therapist, but mostly because you are your child’s parent! Still, you can borrow tools that therapists use.
Play helps young children feel more safe to express their big emotions
Here’s the catch: young children rarely tell you how they feel—if they’re even aware of their feelings in the first place. Yes, it’s true that they are still learning to identify feelings, whether their own or someone else’s. But there’s another reason.
Emotions can feel very intense for small children, say under seven. If they focus too directly on their own feelings, they risk being overwhelmed. (If you have any doubts here, ask yourself why so many three-year-olds end up crying during their birthday party: because all those feelings—whether good, bad, or both—are too much for them.)
Kids naturally distance themselves from their intense feelings to keep from getting overwhelmed. But they still want to vent these feelings and work through them, and the way they often do this is through play. And that’s the key:
When kids play, they often are trying to express or work through their emotions.
When we can understand the emotions that are running through the play, we not only understand our child but can use this understanding to help her deal with her troubles.
A key part of a child’s play: projection
Kids protect themselves from their own, intense feelings by giving them to someone or something else. We see this all the time in their play. Instead of the child telling us she’s sad that her cat died, she makes the doll sad for losing her favorite soft shirt. Expressing her own loss is now more tolerable because it’s not hers anymore but someone else’s: the doll’s.
In the field of psychology, we call this projection, when we “project” our feelings onto someone or something else.
A child’s play is all about projection, and this is a key piece to deciphering what’s really going on inside the child when she plays.
How can play be “therapeutic”?
A major goal in therapy—and therapeutic play—is to bring into the open what is hidden. That probably sounds very general and a bit “therapisty” so let’s look at an example.
Let’s say you’re angry about something your boss did so you vent to a friend who commiserates with you, and afterwards you feel a lot better. But what has really changed? Your boss is still your boss, and you probably will still have issues, right? But venting took the edge off. Maybe enough so that you can figure out what to do or how to live with the problem. Either way, getting those feelings out of you where you could see them—and have them validated by someone else—is super helpful.
It’s the same with kids.
When children are able to safely observe their own big feelings—and to have them validated and accepted by someone else—their feelings become less intense and overwhelming. This is good for them, and it’s good for you, too: a child who is calmer and more content doesn’t need to express her big emotions by acting them out.
Three guidelines when playing therapeutically
Let your child lead, and you follow
A child’s play often involves some sort of storyline. It can be very basic, like going shopping for food or tucking a doll into bed. Whatever it is, you want to encourage your child to develop a storyline so that you can observe the emotions that accompany the story.
Resist the urge to contribute to the storyline. Remember, it’s your kid’s story and it’s his emotions that you want to bring out. Similarly, resist the urge to project your own desires or emotions onto the storyline or its characters. Let your child’s story unfold at his pace.
As for the playing itself, it’s similarly important that you let your child guide the play—and even your own actions. We’ll take this up in more detail in part 2, but for now, just remember that your child is the leader and grand inventor of the play.
The only rule when playing is one of safety
When seeing kids in my office, I tell them I have only one rule: “You’re safe, I’m safe, and the stuff in the room is safe.” Otherwise, anything goes.
I want kids to feel completely free to be and act however they want. All content is allowed. But I don’t mess around when it comes to safety. (If a child throws a crayon at me, if she threatens to punch my window, if she jumps up and down on my chair, I stop her and tell her this is not safe. I pause the play or even end the session for the day.)
When you set clear and firm limits around safety, it tells the child that someone is in charge and will keep her safe. Limits actually reduce a child’s anxiety.
Be as flexible as you can
What if, as part of the playing, your child bosses you around or even puts you in time out? This might be hard for some parents to tolerate!
Just remember that your child still knows you’re actually the parent and in charge. He’s not trying to be disrespectful; he’s only trying to work out some feelings by pretending the roles are reversed.
If your child expresses aggression or violence in the play—for example, his action figure shoots and kills another action figure—tolerate it as long as you and he are safe; resist the urge to tell him to “play nicely.”
Some parents fear that tolerating violence sends the message that violence is acceptable, but kids know it’s only play: it’s just pretend. If you’re in doubt, you can always remind him of the rules around safety: pretend violence is okay, but real violence isn’t.
Later on—perhaps that night after the play is long finished—you can have an intellectual talk about violence and aggression, but don’t mix the intellectual talk into the actual playing; it will shut down the play and your child’s feelings, sending the message that his feelings aren’t acceptable or tolerable.
With these things in mind, let’s now turn to part 2 to look at what you actually do when using play to help your child with his feelings.
Related Posts
Using Play Therapeutically, part 2
What you actually do when using play therapeutically with your child.
What Actually is Play Therapy and How It Works
If you’ve wondered what exactly happens when therapists “do play therapy,” this post will explain it all as well as how and why it works.
How to Bond With Your Child Through Playing: What No One Else is Telling You
One of the best ways to connect with your child is through attuned play, but it’s not always obvious how to do it or what it actually looks like. This post tells you how.
Kids and Play: What’s Really Going On
The real meaning behind a child’s play: to express and vent feelings. Figuring out their play helps parents better understand their child.
