For many parents, voicing their child’s feelings is a new approach to parenting. For so many of us, we take the stance of a teacher, trying to help our kid by appealing to his intellect and his rational thinking. (I also think we do this because kids tend to be so completely irrational that someone’s got to make a little sense!) Talking about emotions with our child may feel a bit foreign to some parents, so here are some parenting tools to use when talking.
(NOTE: Sometimes, kids act in odd ways, and it can be hard to figure out what exactly they are feeling based on their behavior. For more on deciphering a child’s behavior and her underlying emotions, check out the post, “How to Make Sense of Your Child’s Behavior: Some Examples” as well as “The 7 Key Ways a Child’s Mind Works.”)
A note about the intellectual approach
Going the intellectual route—i.e. explaining to our four-year-old how monsters don’t actually exist despite our kid’s insistence that they do—tends not to work. Being reasonable and rational goes in one ear and out the other.
And that’s because there’s a key parenting tool for talking to kids: first speak to their emotions, then try appealing to their intellect.
Considering how young children work—that they are 95% emotion and 5% intellect—this approach makes sense. We have to first calm their intense, overwhelming emotions before they have any room in their heads to start thinking rationally.
Talking about emotions: how do we actually do it?
To start with, we have to remember that for about the first seven years of their life, kids lack the insight or maturity to identify or express their feelings through words. We can tell them Use your words, use your words! and while this encouragement is a good thing, they can’t do it very well. And so, we need to help by voicing children’s feelings for them. Not surprisingly, the younger the child, the more we have to lead them through the process.
Voicing how a child feels is just that: you propose that perhaps your child has a certain feeling. Notice that you are proposing that perhaps your child has a feeling. You don’t know, but you’re pretty sure your kid is feeling, say, disappointed. You can help your child by explaining how you arrived at your conclusion, saying, for instance, “I see how your face looked and your mouth got all scrunched up when I told you we didn’t have time to stop for ice cream. I could see how you might feel disappointed about that.”
By proposing a feeling rather than insisting on one, you let your child retain a sense of ownership over herself and her feelings. Don’t expect her to congratulate you for reading her correctly. Most kids will say nothing. Some will even deny they were disappointed. And there’s always the possibility that you’re wrong about her disappointment. But still, you’ve proposed a reasonable way she might feel and, in doing so, you’ve communicated a few very important ideas to your child:
- Her feelings matter to you
- You want to understand her perspective
- Her feelings are reasonable, i.e. it’s okay to feel disappointed when unable to get ice cream
- It’s okay to express her feelings
If you are correct in your interpretation, you’ve also accomplished a few bonus things:
- She will feel both understood and that her feelings are acceptable
- You’ve helped her put words to her emotional experience
- You’ve modelled how she can express her feelings in the future
- By understanding her feelings, you have connected to her in a very intimate way, and she will feel more connected to you
- She will learn to trust your ability to connect to her
An example
Let’s say four-year-old Isha is scared there’s a monster in her closet and she can’t fall asleep. Her mom explains that monsters don’t exist, then searches the closet hoping this might help.
Still, Isha remains scared.
If her mom only sticks to the factual, intellectual approach—trying to prove there is no monster—Isha may decide that her mom doesn’t get it. She may also decide that her mom isn’t much use to her, leaving Isha feeling even more alone with her fears.
Some parents are afraid that by naming a child’s feelings, they’re going to magnify the feelings, but this isn’t true as long as the parent is neutral and maintains an attitude of being calm and collected. For example, the mom wouldn’t want to say something like this:
“I know how you feel. When I was a kid, I hated sleeping alone in my room. I was so scared that things were out there and going to get me. Like the Boogie Man! Actually, I’m still scared of the dark, which I know is stupid, but what can you do?”
By oversharing and focusing mainly on herself, the mom would be sending Isha a message that her fears are not only real, but that her mom can’t provide a stable, safe haven because she, too, is scared.
So, what could the mom say? What are Isha’s actual feelings? Yes, she’s scared but is that all there is to it? Here’s where we can take a deeper dive into some talking tools.
Monsters are rarely ever just monsters; they mean something! These closet monsters are likely a stand-in for other feelings. What those feelings are can be difficult to figure out, and it means parents have to become amateur detectives.
In trying to figure out the nature of Isha’s feelings, the mom could ask some questions, such as:
- What do you imagine the monster would do to you?
- What makes this monster so scary?
- What would help with this monster problem?
- What would keep the monsters away?
- What do the monsters want?
With these questions, the mom would better understand the nuances and details of Isha’s fears, and she might uncover other feelings or themes. For example, in response to the mom’s questions, Isha might say, “The monster has the biggest hands to grab me so he can take me far, far away, and I won’t ever see you and dad again because I won’t know the way home and I’ll be lost.”
This isn’t a random, nonsense fantasy. Isha is explaining that it’s not just the monster she’s worried about; it’s the separation from her parents and her feeling “lost” and unable to find her way back home.
If the mom could name these other feelings that go with Isha’s fears, she could both help her child understand herself and reduce Isha’s fear of monsters. After all, it’s not just monsters that Isha fears. It’s being alone and small and helpless, and now her mom can put words to those feelings. It might sound something like this:
“Isha, I know it’s hard going to sleep all alone while me and dad share a bed. I bet it doesn’t seem fair, and I’m sorry about that. It seems like you’ve had a hard time lately in feeling small while everyone is so much bigger. You are getting bigger, and one day you’ll be one of the big people. But for now, I bet it feels like there’s not much you can do about it, and it’s really hard.”
Notice that the mom doesn’t mention the monsters! It’s not that she’s avoiding the subject, but she’s actually going to the heart of the matter.
Also, notice that she’s naming the feelings, and not trying to dispel them. She does remind Isha that someday she’ll be big—she can give her kid some hope, yes!—but Isha’s reality is that right now, she’s small and everything is hard. This is a problem that no one can actually fix. Instead, the mom is just sitting with her daughter’s feelings and letting Isha know that someone understands and cares how she feels. In the end, this is plenty.
Some parenting tools to use when talking about emotions
Here are a few, quick pointers when voicing your child’s emotions:
- Keep it super short and concise
- Try to locate and explain to your child why she might be having her feelings
- All feelings are acceptable
- Your job is not to fix the problem but to voice the feelings
- Rinse and repeat. Kids need to hear their feelings voiced often. (With Isha, her mom will likely need to voice her emotions for many nights.)
Related Posts
Naming Emotions: a Key Part of Successful Parenting
Naming emotions for a child not only builds emotional intelligence and self-esteem, it improves the child’s behavior. Here’s how it’s done.
A Common Pitfall: Speaking to the Intellect, Not the Emotions
A simple, but profoundly effective change parents can make in talking with their child. Here’s how to do it.
How Feeling Small Surprisingly Affects a Child’s Behavior
Young children feel very small, and this feeling radically affects everything they do. Understanding exactly how kids feel small can help parents deal with tough behaviors.
Talking About Hard Subjects: Using an Indirect Approach
Whether talking to your child about Big Feelings or about difficult subjects, it’s sometimes best to take an indirect approach. Here’s how.
