When the Monsters Are Real: How To Talk To Little Kids About Real-Life Scary Stuff

As 2023 is wrapping up, you could say the world is a bit on fire. We have climate crisis which only seems to be getting worse. We have wars which mostly displace and kill innocent kids and their families. We have frequent school shootings, not to mention the almost daily shootings in public places. We also have cops—who kids see as the theoretical peace-keepers and protecters—killing kids of color. Everything is turned on its head. Even for us adult, it can be feel overwhelming.

As kids enter preschool and kindergarten, they’re going to start picking up on all this. It’s one thing to reassure them that the nightmare they just had isn’t real, but how do we talk to them when the bad stuff is actually real—and it even scares us?

Here are five steps to follow.

1. Start where your kid is at

First, find out what your kid has heard. Start the discussion during the day, not at bedtime when kids tend to feel alone and scared after you leave. Many kids don’t talk about their fears, especially ones that are naturally confusing or overwhelming. Giving them a space to express their feelings and ask questions will help relieve their anxiety.

It’s important to know what your kid has heard so that you can correct any bits of misinformation as well as any fantasies your child has created. For instance, if a kindergartener has heard about planes dropping bombs, he might worry that any airplane he sees overheard is also carrying bombs. (See the post, “The Reason Young Kids Generalize So Much,” for more on this common reaction in kids.) Be sure not to dismiss or make light of your kid’s fantasies; after all, they are his best attempt at making sense of a confusing world.

2. Give limited, age-appropriate information

Sometimes parents aren’t sure how much information to give and what information is so-called “age-appropriate.” Generally, if you’re not sure, give less information and encourage her to ask questions. Her questions will guide you.

Just remember that it’s easy to overwhelm young kids (i.e. ages 3-8) with information. They don’t need to know what kind of gun the gunman used or how many people have died in the Ukraine. They need information that they can understand and which has meaning to them.

For instance, if a seven-year-old has heard about a mass shooting at a mall, it’s reassuring for her to know generally where the mall is (so that she knows it’s not where she lives), that some people died, and that the police were able to stop the gunman from hurting more people. She doesn’t need to know about the gunman’s motives or mental health status or the current gun laws. These are details for a much older kid who can wrap her head around these issues.

The most important thing to remember is this: kids’ questions are generated by their feelings, not their intellect. When it comes to scary topics, kids want help with their feelings, not their intellectual curiosity.

Many of their questions are also couched concerns for themselves. For example, let’s say your five-year-old asks, “How do the kids run away from the airplane’s bombs?”

While it sounds like a technical, intellectual question, it’s really about her feelings. She’s actually asking how kids remain safe, and this includes her, too. To answer her question, you might say, “All the adults there are helping the kids be safe and avoid the bombs, just like all of us here keep you safe.”

3. Reassure your kid

Kids look to adults for reassurance, and the younger the child, the more they look to us for providing that sense of security. It’s relatively easy reassuring a child after a nightmare because we know the monster isn’t real and that our kid is truly 100% safe. With today’s real-life troubles, how do we reassure our kid that no gunman will ever come to his school?

Again, with young kids, it’s not an intellectual issue of why he’s safe, but rather knowing that all the adults around him are working to keep him safe. The goal here is to reduce his anxiety and take this worry off his shoulders. It can be helpful to remind him that this is a grown-up problem, not a kid problem, and grown-ups are handling it.

When we reassure kids, it’s not just our words but our presence and our calm that tell them they’re okay. If we’re scared or confused, they will sense this. It means that we may have to put aside our own feelings in order to reassure our kid.

Kids’ questions are generated by their feelings, not their intellect.

When it comes to scary topics, kids want help with their feelings, not their intellectual curiosity.

4. Reassess, revisit, and integrate feelings

Reassessing: In wrapping up your talk, quickly check on how your kid is feeling. How big are his worries now? That evening and the next day, pay attention to his behavior and mood to help assess how well he’s handling his worries following the talk. These bits of information will help you determine how soon to have a follow up talk.

Revisiting: Don’t go more than a week before checking in to see if your kid has more thoughts or questions. Kids need time to absorb things, and it’s helpful to repeat the message of safety. Depending on your kid’s exposure to current events, you may need to remind him daily that he’s safe.

Integrating feelings: Revisiting your child’s worries is a time when you can help him integrate his thinking and feeling by helping his head and heart talk to each other. (I strongly recommend you see the key post, “Head vs. Heart: Growing a Neck.”) 

For instance, if he’s still feeling worried about planes dropping bombs on his preschool, you might ask him what his head now knows about planes. You can remind him that his head can tell his heart that planes are safe and don’t drop bombs. While he can have both the fear of bombs and the knowledge about planes, it’s his head that knows what’s real and what’s not. He can be aware of his heart’s fears, but he should listen to ultimately follow what his head knows.

This head/heart integration is a key to growing up with a solid, emotionally intelligent core to one’s being. It’s the foundation of knowing oneself and making good choices. It is one of the most important things you can help your child develop.

5. Limit access to overwhelming information

While you can limit and keep your child safe at your own home, it gets harder when kids go on playdates. Just as I recommend that parents find out whether there are guns and how they are stored at a playdate’s home, you might want to ask whether a playdate’s home is one in which a TV is often on and tuned to the news. If this is the case, your child might be witnessing the various atrocities that the news is often reporting.

Obviously, you want to limit your kid’s access to potentially overwhelming and traumatic material, but you, too, might consider limiting yours! It’s okay to take news black-outs when you need it. Do what you need to manage your own stress and anxiety, and you’ll notice the effects on your child. When you take care of yourself, you’re better able to take care of your kid. It’s a win-win!