Here’s a tool that therapists use to better understand clients. It’s not rocket science, and it’s probably something that you already know. But we all overlook it, especially when it comes to our kids.
It’s called reaction formation which is just fancy phrase for acting the opposite of how you actually feel. You can probably relate to this. It’s like making nice with a co-worker who you actually can’t stand, so much so that you’re afraid of what would happen if you accidently let out your real feelings. Hiding your true feelings a helpful skill, and grownups aren’t the only ones who have discovered it. Kids do it all the time, and sometimes they are so convincing—or parents want to be convinced—that our kids fool us.
Let’s look at an example
Here’s one that is very common in families:
Ariana was four when her baby sister was born. She immediately took to the baby, literally smothering her with kisses to the point that her moms, Marta and Leigh, had to always be on guard. They talked with Ariana about personal space and how tightly she could hug Luz, yet still they were constantly sending Ariana out of the room for being “overly affectionate” with her infant sister.
Soon enough, Marta was regularly yelling at Ariana, banning her from touching her sister. The baby grew and so did Ariana who, in time, seemed able to love her sister without loving her death.
Ariana was always eager to help take care of Luz, and even more eager to play with her. She was the best big sister anyone could hope for, her moms would tell other parents. When Luz took her first steps, it was to walk to Ariana, who picked her up under the arms and spun about, Luz’s legs whipping around and nearly smacking into the counter. It was a little crazy, but then they were all so thrilled that Luz was walking. And no one got hurt.
When Ariana was eight and Luz four, Marta and Leigh noticed a change in Ariana: she was getting angry all the time for the smallest of things. She was losing control. By the time she started therapy with me, she had broken two vases, a lamp, four dinner plates, and was regularly telling her moms she wanted to die. They were also sure that Ariana was peeing in her sister’s closet, though she denied it. “She was always a happy kid,” Marta told me. “Where’s all this anger coming from?”
(Check out these two, related posts: “How to Manage Anger as a Secondary Emotion in Children” and “When There’s a New Baby in the Family.”)
What it all means
Reaction formation is a very good way of hiding how we feel when we’re afraid to let out the truth. And often enough we’re not just hiding the truth from others but from ourselves. (I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had new clients tell me that they had a good or “normal” childhood when they first meet me, but months later when they trust me—and more importantly, they trust themselves to handle their own feelings—they tell me a very different story about their childhood.)
At four, Ariana didn’t know how to talk about her jealous feelings when her sister was born. She had to share her parents with this newcomer, and she’d never signed up for this. If she was gaining a sister, she was also losing two parents—this isn’t true, of course, but this is how Ariana and many older siblings feel. She was naturally furious, and when she expressed her anger in the one way she knew how—by hugging too hard, for example—her moms reacted, sometimes with their own rage. Ariana learned that she had to hide her anger not just from her parents but from herself. To do so, she became a convincingly delighted, loving, ideal sister. She went in the opposite direction of her true feelings which is a trademark of a reaction formation: when kids act in an extreme and surprisingly positive way, they might be masking very negative feelings.
Unfortunately, masking and denying one’s feelings doesn’t work in the long run. Ariana’s anger caught up with her, and like a volcano under years of built up pressure, she was exploding. While she was peeing in her sister’s closet—you might say this, too, is a masked way of venting anger—she was also directing her anger, guilt, and shame at herself in wanting to die.
What parents can do
It comes back to voicing your child’s feelings, to creating a space where these scary, unwanted, intense feelings can be expressed and accepted and contained.
(Remember: all of your child’s feelings are acceptable because all feelings are acceptable. They are all valid, and your kid has a good reason for having his feelings. The reasons may not make much logical sense, but they make emotional sense. Especially because a child’s world is not often based on logical thinking.)
Your job is to help your child become more aware of his inner conflicts. You are not trying to dispel these conflicts but instead bring them into the open where your child can grapple with them. Only then can he work towards resolving his feelings.
For Ariana, she genuinely loves her sister, but she also hates her sister for using up her parents. She wants to literally love her sister to death! Imagine what would have happened had her parents said something like, “I know you’re super mad at your sister and would like her to disappear forever because you don’t like sharing us with her. I get it, and it’s okay that you feel this way. This doesn’t make you a bad person. It just means you’re angry because it’s hard sharing. That’s fine. All older sisters feel this way.”
Hearing this would create profoundly different narratives in Ariana than the initial one which made her disguise her jealous rage. She would now likely begin to believe that bad feelings are okay to have, that she isn’t bad inside, that her parents accept her, and that she can accept herself along with her anger. These narratives can be transformative and life-changing, especially when they happen at such an early age.
(For more on deciphering a child’s behavior, check out the post, “How to Make Sense of Your Child’s Behavior: Some Examples.”)
Related Posts
Voicing Your Child’s Emotions: the Direct Approach
Talking to kids about their feelings is one of the most important yet challenging jobs for parents. Here’s how to make it a lot easier.
Naming Emotions: a Key Part of Successful Parenting
Naming emotions for a child not only builds emotional intelligence and self-esteem, it improves the child’s behavior. Here’s how it’s done.
The All-Important Link Between Feelings and Behavior
Kids desperately need us to understand their feelings. But for us to understand their feelings, we have to first look at their behavior.
