One of your main parenting jobs is to understand your child. But so often, it’s really hard to figure out what exactly is going on inside your kid. How are you supposed to make sense of behavior that seems to make no sense?
Just know that kids do make sense in their little-kid, little-brain ways. And that’s what this post is all about: We look at examples of strange, wacky behavior to see what’s actually going on inside the child.
First, a few things that will help you make sense of your child’s behavior
Details matter: pay attention to the small details of how your child is behaving, whether it’s her words or specific actions.
Context matters: what’s going on in your child’s life at this moment is likely influencing her behavior.
Development matters: where your child is at developmentally can clarify what your child is grappling with, how she feels about it, and what she’s trying to say.
Mindset matters: a child’s behavior is also highly affected by core needs and feelings, which is covered further in the post, “The 7 Key Ways a Child’s Mind Works.”
What emotions is your child trying to provoke in you? Kids want you to feel how they’re feeling. Tapping into the feelings she’s provoking in you can tell you how she might be feeling. (For more on this, check out the post, “A Key Technique Therapists Use to Figure Out Kids.” It’s a must-read!)
Now, time for some examples. (And if you’re wondering as you read these what the parent is supposed to then do, check out these posts that explicitly address what parents can do: “Naming Emotions: A Key Part of Successful Parenting,” “Using Play Therapeutically, part 1,” and “Voicing Your Child’s Emotions: the Direct Approach.”
The overfilled doll house
Behavior details: Your six-year-old is playing with her doll house. She collects the living room furniture and shoves it all into an already full bedroom. Next, everything from the kitchen gets dumped into the bedroom. In go more chairs, then a table, the bathtub and toilet and sink. Then she wedges in all the people. The room can’t hold it all, furniture spilling out onto the floor around your daughter’s feet.
What it means. You feel overwhelmed just watching this. This one bedroom can’t hold everything, and yet your child keeps trying to shove in more. What’s going on?
Think of it this way: she’s painting a picture of how she feels. The external world of the doll house mimics her internal world of feelings.
In this case, it’s likely she identifies with the doll house room in which everything is overfull, overflowing, and uncontained. Just as you feel overwhelmed watching her play, your child is likely feeling emotionally overwhelmed. Using the doll house, she’s venting her feelings in a very visual and physical way.
Bursting Big Brother
Behavior details: The last week, every time one-month-old Abril naps in her bassinet, her three-year-old brother, Armando, sneaks up to hug and kiss her, which never fails to wake her up. If the mom can get Abril back to sleep, Armando soon finds a way to wake her up again. When the mom gets mad at this, he tries to hit her in the belly, then falls apart, screaming on the floor.
A little more context: Armando often refers to Abril as “my baby.” Lately, he’s been walking around with a baby doll shoved under his shirt as if pregnant.
What it means. This is classic big sibling behavior. He’s naturally jealous and furious at his sister for getting so much attention. He can’t show this anger, so he does the exact opposite: he converts the anger into loving feelings. But even these loving feelings are a bit suspicious: he keeps hugging and kissing his sister as she sleeps, making everyone angry when he wakes her.
He’s also furious at his mom for making this new baby appear. Like many kids, he tries to give his unwanted feelings to his parent. (For more on this, see the post, “A Key Technique Therapists Use to Figure Out Kids..”) He makes her mad by both waking up his sister and by trying to hit his mom.
It’s also telling that he tries hitting her in the belly—the part of his mom that grew a baby and subsequently screwed up his life. But when he hits her, he shuts down and screams on the floor because his own out-of-control rage and aggression feel terrible to him. It’s also very likely that he fears his behavior will cause his mom to retaliate and reject him.
(There’s a lot going on inside Armando, and for more insight into how older siblings experience things, check out the post, “When There’s a New Baby in the Family.”)
Zombie apocalypse
Behavior details: Your nine-year-old sits on the floor with a bunch of Lego minifigs. Some apparently are zombies and some are humans. The humans shoot the zombies but more zombies keep appearing. The humans try to hide but the zombies still find them. When they climb to the tops of chairs to get cell service, their phones don’t work. No help is coming. They are doomed!
What it means. This boy is depicting a lot of helplessness. The humans can’t get away from the zombies who—being zombies—just keep coming and coming! Importantly, there’s no one who can help them.
Let’s add a little context: Your son has told you there are mean kids on the bus. Two days ago, he needed to be picked up from school, refusing to get on the bus because he “felt too sick,” though once home, his so-called sickness suddenly vanished.
Now, what it means: He’s identifying with the human minifigs. He likely feels he can’t get away from the bullies. Nothing works. And he feels he can’t get help. He sees no way out.
Hide and seek with parents
Behavior details: Your five-year-old loves playing hide and seek with you. He loves finding you, and when you take too long to find him when it’s his turn to hide—you’re actually faking it because you immediately spotted him behind the couch—he’ll make noises to give away his location.
What it means. Hide and seek is all about separation and reunion. For the child, it’s the anticipation of reunion that is so exciting, whether he’s the one searching or hiding. Of course, he tries to find a good hiding spot, but he really wants to be found—and that’s why he makes noises to help you find him. He wants to know you won’t give up searching for him, that you miss him and want a reunion.
Shark attack!
Behavior details: Your four-year-old puts on her shark puppet. Her eyes light up and the shark comes at your arm and bites you. You play along. “Oh no, my arm!” you cry, and your daughter squeals with pleasure. You try to hold the shark’s mouth closed with your other hand, but the shark bites this hand, too.
She announces, “The shark ate your hands. And now your arms.” The shark darts about your head. “Now your eyes. You can’t see. Now it can bite you everywhere.”
What it means: This shark has made you virtually helpless. You can’t stop its attack much less see the shark to prevent it from eating you. The overarching feelings going on here? Your helplessness and powerlessness.
This is a common theme for kids because they so often feel helpless and powerless. With the shark’s help, your child is inviting you to experience how she often feels. (For more on this, check out, “How Feeling Small Surprisingly Affects a Child’s Behavior.”)
Stay tuned for another, upcoming post with more examples and explanations of little kids’ behavior.
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