Defense mechanisms help us protect ourselves from uncomfortable feelings, especially ones that might become intense and overwhelming. Therapists are well acquainted with how defenses work, and we therapists use this knowledge to better understand our clients. Parents, too, can use this awareness of defense mechanisms to interpret and explain their child’s behavior. Here are the three key defenses that kids commonly use.
1. Avoidance (with guest stars, Denial & Repression)
Avoidance is one of the most basic defenses kids—and the rest of us—use. After all, if there’s something unpleasant out there, why not avoid it! For kids, avoidance is the go-to strategy, especially when their discomfort is mild.
When their discomfort becomes more than mild, and avoidance no longer does the job, they turn to denial or repression. Think of avoidance, denial, and repression as close cousins, each corresponding to the child’s degree of discomfort by allowing the child greater psychic distance from the discomfort.
Denial is pretty straightforward: when a six-year-old witnesses a screaming fight between his parents, he tells himself it was only a fun play-fight. But when the parents’ screaming becomes violent or chronic, the child must repress that reality, blocking the fighting from his consciousness so that he can maintain his parents as in-control, reasonable caregivers.
2. Projection
Projection is a defense mechanism that “projects” one’s own feelings, behaviors, thoughts, or unwanted characteristics onto someone or something else. The essential idea is, “I don’t want it; you take it!” You can see how this defense appeals especially to young children.
Kids commonly project their feelings onto others, and this allows parents to gain insight into their child that they might normally overlook.
Here’s my favorite example that sums it up:
On the playground when I was a boy, there was a lot of bullying, as well as occasional fights. I often heard boys yelling at each other, “I’m going to hit you back and show you how it feels!”
It was a common threat, and it has stuck with me over the years, though now I realize it was more than a threat: it was an appeal for empathy.
Weird, right? Ten-year-old boys asking each other for empathy?
But we were essentially saying, “I want you to know how it feels to be me.”
I call this the Rule of the Playground—the “hitting you back to show you how it feels”—because it’s still the go-to approach for virtually everyone, whether we’re ten or eighty. We want others to know how we feel so that they can understand and empathize.
This is largely how little kids work: they want us to understand their feelings by provoking those same feelings in us.
This is the key to understanding what’s going on inside our kids, especially when they can’t tell us because they lack the insight or the words.
3. Reaction formation
Reaction formation is just a fancy phrase for acting the opposite of how you actually feel.
You can probably relate to this. It’s like making nice with a co-worker who you actually can’t stand, so much so that you’re afraid of what would happen if you accidentally let out your real feelings.
Hiding your true feelings is a helpful skill, and grownups aren’t the only ones who have discovered it. Kids do it all the time, and sometimes they are so convincing—or parents want to be convinced—that our kids fool us.
For example, it’s common for an older child to love their newborn baby sibling “to death,” literally smothering them with hugs and kisses. If it all was so loving, why are you constantly afraid the baby will get crushed? Perhaps there’s more to it.
(Read more about reaction formation here.)
What parents can do
1. Tap into your feelings
Your feelings are important, not just because you are important, but because they are the first step to understanding your child’s feelings. You are responding to your child’s behavior, and your child’s behavior is the direct product of your child’s feelings.
The next time your child is making you feel sad, scared, confused, or rejected, ask yourself if your child is projecting these emotions onto you. Similarly, if you feel your child is acting in an exaggerated or surprisingly positive way, perhaps you’re picking up on their reaction formation defenses.
A caveat about avoidance and tapping into feelings
It’s not so obvious when a child is avoidant because when it’s mild, avoidance can easily be overlooked or misread. In other words, you may not be responding to the avoidance and having feelings about it. At least not initially!
For example, when your child stalls on a school morning, insisting they need to spot a butterfly they’d seen the previous morning, you might wonder if they’re avoiding going to school—and the separation from you that follows. Or maybe they simply like butterflies!
But ten minutes later when they pause at the car door and insist on inspecting their shoes, you start to feel irritated and impatient. Pay attention to these feelings, because with avoidance and denial, kids repeatedly act out, giving you the opportunity to have some feelings about it.
2. Name the emotion
Defense mechanisms alert you to your child’s feelings, and when you can identify your child’s emotions, you have the opportunity to name them. Voicing your kid’s emotions is the best way to help them cope with their feelings. (This is covered more extensively in the post, “Naming Emotions: a Key Part of Successful Parenting.”)
Kids often have trouble talking directly about their feelings, especially when the feelings are “big.” Keep in mind that the type of defense mechanism can also alert you to the intensity of the child’s feelings: when kids use denial—and especially repression—their feelings are likely powerful.
Tread lightly when talking about these feelings so that you don’t cause your child to shut down. Limit the talks to under a minute. Duck in and duck out, but revisit the feelings a day or two later. In this way, you’re helping your child recognize that they can talk about tough feelings.
(For other ways to approach big feelings, check out the post, “Talking About Hard Subjects: Using an Indirect Approach” as well as the two-part post, “Using Play Therapeutically.”)
A note about fantasy
Fantasy is another, very prevalent defense mechanism that kids frequently use, and it’s a subject I have taken up in its own post, “What You Need to Know About Kids and Fantasy,” and a related post, “Kids and Play: What’s Really Going On.”
Related Posts
Voicing Your Child’s Emotions: the Direct Approach
Talking to kids about their feelings is one of the most important yet challenging jobs for parents. Here’s how to make it a lot easier.
Naming Emotions: a Key Part of Successful Parenting
Naming emotions for a child not only builds emotional intelligence and self-esteem, it improves the child’s behavior. Here’s how it’s done.
The All-Important Link Between Feelings and Behavior
Kids desperately need us to understand their feelings. But for us to understand their feelings, we have to first look at their behavior.
A Key Technique Therapists Use to Figure Out Kids
Figuring out kids is rarely easy or obvious. Child therapists have a helpful technique which anyone can (and should!) use.
An Overlooked Tool to Understanding Kids: Their Exaggerated Behaviors
Kids hide their emotions by acting the opposite to how they feel, a sign that they have very strong, unwanted feelings they need help with.
Talking About Hard Subjects: Using an Indirect Approach
Whether talking to your child about Big Feelings or about difficult subjects, it’s sometimes best to take an indirect approach. Here’s how.
