What is masculinity?
This is a tough, sensitive subject, especially in today’s climate with differing views about gender and what it means to be masculine—or feminine, for that matter. The definitions of masculinity have always varied by culture, race, class, time period, and so on. Because so many people have differing ideas about what it means to be masculine, and because these ideas are constantly being revised and reshaped by our society, there really is no single, right definition of what it means to be masculine.
Given that masculinity (and femininity) are moving targets, what does this mean for fathers and their sons (or daughters)? Regardless of how you personally feel about gender roles, society’s views are going to hugely affect your child, and this is where things can get complicated and messy.
At the heart of this potential messiness lies a clash between society’s views of gender and how your child is genetically wired with a specific temperament and personality that determines how he acts, thinks, likes, and loves.
For example, what is the effect on your son if he is naturally quiet, tender, non-aggressive, even vulnerably empathetic—in another words, he is more aligned with traditional feminine qualities? Unless he’s helped to understand and manage this clash between who he is and how others might want him to be, he could develop very harmful views of himself and his adequacy as a boy, or a person. This could be very damaging to his sense of self-worth, his sense of belonging in the world, and his relationship to his own body.
The first step: consider where you come from
I encourage fathers to consider what it means to be masculine and how you developed this idea. What were you told as a child about being male? What pressures did you feel from other boys? What expectations were placed upon you as a boy and how did they sit with you?
What happened—or would have happened—if you didn’t fit into your family’s or friends’ or society’s expectations? Were these expectations limiting for you in any way? How did you cope with these pressures? How do you think you are wired, and how well has this jibed with society’s views of being a man or masculine? How has all this shaped how you define masculinity now?
Step two: who is your child?
You were wired a certain way, just as your son (or daughter) is also wired in his own, individual way. So, who is he? Who was he in his first year of life, how has he changed and evolved, and what characteristics have stayed consistent? How might he be temperamentally wired?
It’s actually somewhat difficult to determine who your child truly is. Not only are young kids constantly changing developmentally, but they behave very differently depending on who they are with (i.e. your child’s preschool teacher tells you how compliant he is, but at home he’s angry and defiant).
Fortunately, kids tell parents what they truly need, and they show their true selves often enough, especially when they’re relaxed and not overrun with intense feelings. These are the moments when parents can see into their child’s heart of hearts. In the end, despite all the contradictory ways your child might behave, I believe you will have a gut sense of who he is.
Step three: the discrepancies
As you take an honest look at your child, ask yourself who you would like him to be. What hopes or expectations have you had for him? Where have you been let down? (Notice a similarity here: society has expectations, just as you do, too.)
It’s natural for parents to have hopes about who their child is or will become. For example, you might wish for an extroverted child, or a child who is physically tough, or a kid who is fearless. But when your hopes clash with who your child actually is—when you have unrealistic hopes—you run the risk of sending the message to your child that he isn’t and won’t ever be acceptable, that he’s wrong in some deep, intrinsic way.
It’s often hard to let go of these unrealistic hopes. It may feel like you’re giving up or giving in. It can also feel like you’re mourning for the child you never had but had always wished for. In the end, it’s about accepting who your child is. It’s about you changing your expectations rather than ask your child to change who he is to accommodate others.
(Note here that we’re not just talking about gender and masculinity but about expectations in a larger sense.)
One requirement of parents
I believe this: when you become a parent, you are making a pact with God/the universe/Nature/the world/whatever. By default, you are agreeing to a primal rule: you will take care of this child. After all, it’s always been the rule. It’s what has allowed us as a species to continue on.
Not only will the parent take care of the child’s needs, the child will not be required to take care of the parent’s needs—that’s the parent’s job, too.
In this case, “needs” is more than just the physical stuff of food, shelter, clothing, etc. It’s the child’s emotional needs, including his need to determine who he is based on how he’s wired. It’s the need “to be true to oneself,” as the saying goes. It means that parents need to support their child in how he’s wired rather than how the parents or anyone else—including society—wants him to be.
The bottom line: a child’s self-esteem and feeling worthy
Whether or not your son is aligned with society’s expectations of boys, I encourage fathers to support their son or daughter in whoever he or she happens to be, regardless if this fits in with society’s expectations. It’s in the best interest of your child, and it will help him develop into a healthy, solid adult.
This may not align with your own expectations given how you were raised. Again, it’s worth looking at your own upbringing to decide what you want to discard and what you want to keep based on what will now best support your child.
The bottom line is this: your child needs to feel that, at his core, he is an acceptable, worthwhile person—and being acceptable as a boy is just one, important piece. You are one of the few people who can tell him this, and it will help him grow into a happy, stable person.
Now, what about society?
Even if your home is a safe place, we still have to contend with what the world expects from boys. Your job as a parent is to help your child cope in the world, and this means figuring out how to manage the pressures and expectations that others have. Sometimes it means sheltering or protecting your child—or helping him find ways to protect himself. It may mean advocating for him at school or with extended family.
Regardless of how or what you do, the message your son needs to hear is this: “You can be any way you want as a boy, and if anyone disagrees, it’s a them-problem, not a you-problem.”
You’re telling him there’s no right or wrong way to be a boy—whether he’s gentle or tough or both, he needs to be whatever feels right for him. He gets to decide what it means to be a boy, if it means anything more than having boy body parts.
He will need to hear this over and over to counter the messages he gets from others. But in the end, as long as he keeps hearing that it’s not a “me-problem” but rather a problem with society, his self-esteem will stay intact.
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