First, what is emotional intelligence (EI)?
Introduced by Daniel Goleman in his 1995 similarly titled book, emotional intelligence foregrounds our ability to understand our own and other people’s feelings. It means that you not only can identify that you feel sad because your friend was fired, but that you also might feel disappointed in your friend for doing something to get fired, or that you also feel guilty for being successful at your job while your friend is struggling at his. Being emotionally intelligent means that you can go deeper in clarifying all the mixed up and complicated emotions you (or others) might have. It means being fully tuned in to yourself, and to others.
Why is EI a good thing?
If you’re in touch with your feelings, you tend not to react as intensely or impulsively. Your feelings tend not to build up because you’re aware of and able to vent the emotions as you feel them.
This is especially true for young children: if they store up their emotions rather than venting them, those feelings can erupt from them like a volcano under pressure.
Emotional intelligence also allows us to show up emotionally for others. It means having better, closer, more stable relationships because we not only recognize our own feelings but can be attuned to another person’s feelings. This kind of awareness is the basis of having healthy relationships.
Why are we specifically talking about boys here?
Times may be changing, but the predominant North American norm still says that girls can embrace their emotions while boys must distance themselves from theirs. Not only that, but boys are told that emotions interfere with being strong, tough, and masculine—traits that society tells boys they need to have.
This is played out in what many boys actually experience: boys who are very sensitive, who feel things deeply, and who will express sadness or compassion—they run the risk of being bullied and made to feel weak. However, boys who are strong and tough—think of the fearless football star—will be rewarded and celebrated.
The special relationship sons have with their fathers
For boys, part of their identity is wrapped up in being male. So they look to their father to figure out how to be a man.
As a father, you are one of the most influential people to your son, especially when it comes to demonstrating what it looks like to be a man. He will follow your lead, especially if he trusts you.
Which gives you a unique opportunity to help your son with his emotional well-being.
What then can fathers do?
Give your son permission to have feelings. Invite his feelings into the open. By doing so, you’re letting him know that it’s okay to have feelings and that feelings—even big ones—can be handled even though they may feel a bit scary or intense to your son.
Name his feelings if he’s having trouble identifying them. Often, young children have trouble identifying their feelings, in which case you can name a few feelings that seem appropriate. If he’s still uncertain, you can say something like, “I’m not sure either how you feel, but I can imagine it’s pretty scary when the fire alarm suddenly goes off while we’re reading books together in the library.” (For more on this, see the post, “Naming Emotions: a Key Part of Successful Parenting.”)
Tolerate his intense feelings. As you help him express his feelings, they may come out as pretty intense. You can help him moderate these feelings, but make sure you tolerate them however they get expressed. Otherwise, you’re liable to send the message that his feelings are too much for others to handle, and he will tell himself he must shut them down.
Be specific when naming emotions. Avoid words like “upset” or “felt bad” because these words are imprecise. Instead, you might say, “When you hit your friend, I can see how you might have felt scared you would be punished, or you felt guilty for hurting him, or even felt a little pleased to show him how angry you were that he ripped up your drawing. I bet you had a whole, confusing mix of feelings.”
Modeling EI: what does it look like?
Not only should you encourage your child to have and name his emotions, you also need to model this. So, what does this look like?
Sharing your own complex feelings. This means describing your full spectrum of emotions. Rather than just saying you’re happy you got a promotion at work, it means confiding that you also feel scared that your boss will have newer, higher expectations that will be hard to meet. Or that you’re worried your co-workers will resent you for getting promoted instead of them. Identifying and sorting out complex feelings is often challenging, and you can model your own struggle in trying to figure out how you feel.
Keep your own emotions from getting too intense. If you tend to have intense feelings, they may overwhelm your son. If he feels overwhelmed by your feelings—whether anger or joy—instead of imitating your example, he may do the exact opposite: he may create a narrative that he should tamp down his own feelings so that he doesn’t overwhelm others as his father does to him.
Walking the line: what to do about how society at large will treat your son
It’s likely that your son will be receiving two messages, the first from you encouraging him to be in touch with his and other people’s emotions, and the second from society that he should not have emotions. Where does this leave you and your son? How is he supposed to straddle these two worlds with opposing messages?
While he’s young—and here, I’m talking about under eight or nine years old—it may be helpful to tell him he can be different in these two different worlds. At home, he can be his true, emotive self but in public—at least until he’s older and feels more able to withstand social pressure—he can choose not to be as emotive. Essentially, you’re telling him that for right now, he can save his true self for the people he cares about and trusts.
The truth is we all behave differently depending on who we’re with. In this case, you’re helping your son recognize that he can choose how he wants to express himself with others, and that you hope he will feel safe to express himself fully with you.
The long game
Keep in mind that developing a child’s EI takes years. Don’t expect your five-year-old to identify his feelings for you. Or to even confirm that you named his feelings correctly. You’re developing his EI muscles, and as he matures and his thinking becomes more sophisticated, you can grow this muscle.
I would go so far as to say that this muscle never stops growing, no matter how old we are.
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