An important note: if your co-parent has been physically, sexually, or emotionally abusive, having a functional co-parenting relationship with him/her may not be possible simply for safety reasons. In this case, this post doesn’t apply to your situation, and it’s best to get professional input on how best to handle co-parenting for both you and your child.
When parents break up, it can be pretty rough. Sometimes it’s downright ugly. Especially when children are involved, not to mention finances, friends, possessions, etc. And we haven’t even mentioned all the feelings that led up to and go with the breakup.
This is all to say that when two parents break up, it generally sucks.
And especially if there’s a lot of conflict between the parents, for the research tells us it’s the conflict—not the breakup itself—that really harms kids.
Here are a few things you can do (and avoid doing) to help your child if you find yourself going through a difficult separation/divorce.
First, a request
In this post, I’m going to be recommending—no, actually, I’m requesting—that you do things you may not want to do. Like put aside your anger or disgust at your co-parent so that you can work together. I’m asking that you put your child’s interests before your own.
I’m asking that you manage whatever hurt, pain, and triggers you have with your co-parent so that you can get along well enough for your child’s sake.
I know it may be hard to do, and it may feel wrong in some gut way, but it’s necessary.
Whatever opinions you have of your co-parent are fine, but those need to be kept from your child.
Being functional co-parents
Co-parents don’t have to be friends—it’s great if you are, but it’s not necessary. You only have to have a functional relationship in which you work together to take care of your child’s needs. Anything more is great if you can do it.
If there’s been a lot of conflict, you may want to limit your co-parenting relationship to the logistics and sharing of information about schedules, school, appointments, etc. It’s a bonus if you can collaborate and agree upon things like bedtime, nutrition, screen time, and so on.
If there’s been a lot of conflict, definitely avoid talking about your personal life, especially dating.
Managing your own hurt, anger, resentment, and sadness
For years, I taught court-mandated classes for never-married parents who were breaking up, and the main thing I observed was this: parents are so angry at each other that their anger overruns their thinking and they behave and talk in ways that seriously hurt their child.
While the parents could recognize this, it was still extremely hard for them to control their emotions because under the anger was also a lot of sadness and hurt. They were sad the relationship hadn’t turned out how they’d hoped, and they were hurt from the breakup and continued conflict.
If you’ve experienced any of this, know that you have every right to feel the way you do. You deserve to be heard by friends, family, clergy, therapists, etc. Just don’t share it with your child.
Things parents should do and avoid doing
Here’s a quick list of things to do and avoid doing. Just know that it comes down to encouraging your child to have a loving, connected relationship with both parents. After all, kids know they are half you, and half their other parent. If you trash your co-parent, you are trashing your kid.
Don’t:
-Don’t fight in front of your child. All the research shows this is the worst thing parents can do. It will really mess up your kid. Walk away from the conflict if your child is present.
-Don’t make your child into your new partner, confidante, or friend. This not only pushes children to grow up too fast and be an adult, but it asks them to take care of the parent rather than be cared for.
-Don’t bash your co-parent to your child. This makes your child feel like he has to pick sides, thereby rejecting one of his parents. It means he loses a parent.
-Don’t put your child in the middle between you and your co-parent. This can take subtle forms, like asking your child to pass on a message to the other parent. Or asking your child about the other parent’s personal life.
Do:
-Give your child permission to love and appreciate her other parent. Not only should you help her recognize good things about her other parent, you can articulate these positive qualities yourself.
-Encourage your child to have a loving relationship with your co-parent. For example, encourage her to make a birthday card or bake cookies to give to her other parent. Encourage her to call or Zoom with the other parent just to say hello.
When you and your co-parent disagree
The truth is, you and your co-parent are different, you have different perspectives and ideas, and you’re going to do things differently, whether it’s bedtime or discipline or meals.
How you handle these differences is often what really matters.
Kids are very tolerant and flexible. They know that their parents are different, and that there are different rules and ways of doing things at each home. That said, kids have a much easier time when there is similarity and consistency between their two homes. For young children, say five and under, it becomes even more important and stabilizing to have consistency and continuity between the two parents.
That’s what you’re shooting for.
It probably means compromising on some things, perhaps letting go of others. This isn’t the same thing as giving in to your co-parent. Whatever tradeoffs you both make are done for the sake of your child having more continuity between her parents.
Sometimes you may not feel it’s in the best interest of your child to compromise. In the end, it’s your judgment call.
Just keep in mind that when co-parents have trouble compromising, it may have less to do with the intellectual issue at hand—say, limiting screentime—and more to do with the anger and leftover hurt feelings between the two parents.
How you explain to your child the conflict between his parents
How you talk to your child about these differences can be challenging: if you’re not supposed to be critical of your co-parent (even when it’s deserved) what do you say?
I once recommended a mom tell her four-year-old something like this:
“I know that dad lets you stay up later. That’s his choice. He and I do things differently, and that’s okay. I know you’d like to stay up later, but I feel you should be in bed at 7:30, and that’s my decision. So let’s get your teeth brushed so we have more time for stories.”
Let’s break this down. First, the mom is acknowledging the differences in bedtime while also accepting them, adding, “He and I do things differently, and that’s okay.” This keeps things neutral and non-critical. She then acknowledges how her child feels, and neutrally reasserts her bedtime decision without offering any explanation, apology, or defense because none is needed—it’s her call! She then strategically redirects the conversation towards teeth brushing, signaling that the conversation is over.
When I suggested the mom try saying this, she didn’t want to remain so neutral.
“Rather than tossing the dad under the bus, I’m throwing myself under,” she told me. “That’s not fair. Just because my kid’s dad is too lenient—and my kid likes it—doesn’t mean it’s the right thing. Why should I be punished—and have my kid resent me—for making the right parenting choice?”
I understood her point: if she remained uncritical of the father, she feared her son wouldn’t like her; if she was critical of the dad, then the son wouldn’t like him.
But the real issue pins upon who is doing the criticizing.
When parents criticize, kids are highly influenced because it comes from the parent. But when a child himself finds fault with a parent, it does little to alter the young child’s need to continue seeing the parent as good. (For more on this, see the post, “Why Young Children (Have To) Think We’re the Best.”)
In another words, were this mom critical of the father, the child would take it to heart and have to pick sides—thus losing a parent—whereas if she acknowledges how her son doesn’t like her rules, he would still forgive her and retain both parents.
The bottom line: trust
In the end, this post is about changing your co-parenting relationship by changing how you do things. Not only will this invite your co-parent to change as well, but it will help build the trust that every successful co-parenting relationship needs.
Just know that building trust takes time, and co-parenting relationships evolve slowly. And so, you have little time to waste.
Related Posts
How to Manage Anger as a Secondary Emotion in Children
Understanding anger as a secondary emotion, parents can get at the source of their child’s anger to help him manage his feelings.
The Emotional Impact on Kids When Parents Divorce/Break Up
A new, in-depth perspective on parental divorce/breakup: how kids can develop harmful, lifelong narratives as a result—and what parents can do to help.
How to Improve Things With Your Co-Parent
Children do far better when their separated parents have at least a functional co-parenting relationship. This post looks at how to get there, and what might be getting in your way.
