A young kid’s natural egocentrism creates some pitfalls when it comes to understanding her world. As we’ve seen in posts that look at narratives and how they form in little kids, any time a child misperceives things, she runs the risk of creating an unhealthy, even harmful narrative about herself or her world.
Let’s dive into the mindset of a small child to better understand how a kid’s egocentrism affects her thinking.
Overstating their influence
Because little kids don’t understand much about their world and what happens and why, their egocentrism often causes them to explain things as if they have influenced them.
For example, faced with a perfect day for playing outside, a preschooler might believe he’s responsible for the sun shining because he wished for it. Similarly, he might think it’s his fault when his goldfish dies because he hasn’t paid much attention to it. When his parents separate, he’ll believe he is somehow responsible for this, too.
Projecting their feelings onto others
Young, egocentric kids will also frequently misunderstand how other people feel, falsely assuming that they feel the way the child feels. That’s the trouble with being so egocentric: because you’re at the center of the universe, because everything is about you, there’s no room for anyone to have differing thoughts or feelings than yours.
Let’s take a detailed look at a common example—a new baby in the family—especially because the young child’s reaction is one that might surprise parents.
Most, if not every preschooler simultaneously loves and resents her newborn sibling. It’s an inner conflict that’s expected and normal. But many parents are surprised to hear that most of these preschoolers don’t just resent the baby; they also have murderous feelings towards it. And why shouldn’t they? They naturally want the baby gone to get their parents back. They know their parents would never allow this, and here’s the catch: being so egocentric, kids assume parents will have the same feelings that they have.
In this case, the kid will imagine that her parents will react to her angry and murderous feelings with their own angry, murderous feelings towards her. However, because they’re grownups, her parents have the power to follow through on these feelings, and they just might do so if she’s not careful!
(Of course, from our adult perspective this doesn’t make any sense. But we’re not talking about adults here; we’re talking about a little kid’s warped view of things!)
Narratives that follow
A kid who resents her sibling and is afraid that her parents might punish her in the worst of ways could develop various narratives, such as
1) I have to act like a perfect kid so my parents won’t guess I have such bad feelings inside
2) I should hide my feelings from everyone because if they find out, I could be gotten rid of
3) I must only show loving feelings towards the baby so no one will guess the bad feelings I really have
You’ll notice that the narratives seem fairly similar, but they’ll create very different behaviors.
With option 1, the child might do everything she can to be helpful and agreeable—whatever her image of a “perfect” child looks like. On the other hand, if she goes with option 2 and hides her feelings, it’s quite likely she, like most kids, will go too far and hide not just her anger and jealousy, but any intense emotion. To others, she might seem a little numb or distracted or even depressed. (This overreacting and black/white thinking is a common thing among young kids and is explored more in the Kid’s Mindset post, “The Reasons Young Kids Generalize So Much.”)
A child who goes with option 3 behaves completely opposite of the child in option 2: she rains down love and affection onto her baby brother, literally smothering him with hugs and kisses so that the parents have to intervene.
What parents can do
To keep these unhealthy narratives from forming, parents need to do two things:
- Anticipate both their child’s anger at her sibling as well as her fear of retribution by the parent
- Express and accept the child’s anger and murderous feelings
The key here is step 2. Because most young kids can’t or won’t express these intense feelings, parents need to do it for them.
If you’re fortunate enough to have a child who says something like, “When is the baby going back to live at the hospital?” or “I’m bored of the baby. Can we throw him in the trash?” your kid is opening the door to talking more about her feelings. Regardless of which kind of child you have, you’ll still need to voice your kid’s feelings to her. It might sound something like this:
“It’s hard having a baby brother. I know you’re angry that I spend so much time with him. And also sad to have less time with me. I’m sorry about that. I can understand if you’d like to get rid of him and just make him go away forever. I’m not going to do that, but I totally get it if you wish I would. And thinking this doesn’t make you a bad kid in any way. You have big feelings, and that’s fine.” (Then finish it off with a good hug!)
Saying this does a number of things simultaneously:
- It relieves the child’s fear of her parent
- It tells the child that all her feelings are acceptable
- It reinforces the idea that the child isn’t a bad kid for wishing bad things on her brother
- It improves the parent/child bond when the parent lets the child know that she’s understood
- It counters the child’s egocentrism by helping her recognize that other people have different feelings—in this case the angry and murderous ones
Clearly, this is just one example—though a very common and important one—in which a young child’s egocentrism interferes with her ability to accurately understand things. Recognizing and working with a child’s egocentrism is just another tool in the parenting toolkit to help your child develop accurate, healthy views of the world and herself.
For a close-up look at egocentrism and a kid’s surprising thoughts, check out the story, “Revenge,” as well as the discussion, “What’s going on in Revenge?” that follows it.
Related Posts
What’s Going On in “Revenge”
A close-up look at what’s going on in the story, “Revenge.”
Revenge
A boy, a baby brother, and a close call that lasts a lifetime.
Egocentrism, Part 1
Little kids seem so self-centered, and it often drives parents crazy. Here’s what’s really going on.
