There’s already a lot of good information out there about the effects of adoption on children, but so many websites do not take a deeper dive into the emotional experience of adopted children.
In particular, they don’t explore how a child’s fantasies play a major role in their experience, and how these fantasies determine the narratives that children then form about themselves and their family.
While there’s so much to cover when addressing the topic of adoption—when and how to tell a child they are adopted, how to negotiate relationships with the bio/first family in an open adoption, how to manage things when you also have biological children, etc.—this post focuses primarily on how children experience and try to make sense of adoption given the swirling mass of feelings and misperceptions they might have.
While circumstances can warrant that a child be adopted at any point during childhood, this post looks at the effects on children when they are adopted very young, say under four. That said, kids who are adopted later in childhood may still show similar signs as their younger counterparts.
Fantasy #1: My bio/first parents didn’t want me.
This is one of the most common fantasies children have when they learn they are adopted. After all, how else can they explain that their bio/first family gave them away?
If this perception goes unaddressed, kids are liable to develop narratives such as, “I wasn’t worth keeping because there’s something wrong with me at my core,” or “If I can change, I’ll be acceptable to my birth parents.”
Adoptive parents can help their child construct a different—and more accurate—story about their birth parents, focusing on a non-judgmental view that it was their circumstances, and not the child’s lacking, that led to being given up for adoption. It’s important that adoptive parents discuss the birth parent’s circumstances without judgment or blame, for it’s this blaming perspective that is so damaging when kids turn the blame onto themselves.
If there are few or no details about the bio/first family’s circumstances, adoptive parents can still help their child understand that, while the details aren’t known, they are certain it was the bio parents’ inability to keep their child—and not the child’s inherent lacking—that caused them to give up their child.
Fantasy #2: My adopting parents would prefer bio children, not me.
Like the previous fantasy, this one comes about as the child tries to explain their adoption, and similarly to Fantasy #1, the child imagines they are unwanted, though this time they believe their adoptive parents are settling for second best.
In both fantasies, the child can develop a narrative of not being loveable or worthy because they are lacking or bad.
The reality is that many adopting parents first tried to have biological children, then turned to adoption; adopting a child wasn’t their first, initial choice. What children don’t understand is that, assuming a couple can get pregnant, it is far, far easier and efficient to acquire a child through sex than through an adoption agency.
Adoptive parents have to seriously work to adopt a child—it’s not a thing you do passively or casually! This, too, can be explained to the child as evidence of how badly the adoptive wanted their child. After all, in the end, parents only want a child regardless of how they get one.
However, some adoptive parents have their own natural ambivalences, hesitancies, and misgivings about adopting a child, making the child’s own fantasy actually true! When this is the case, it’s the adoptive parent’s responsibility to process and resolve these feelings so that they don’t interfere with their forming a loving, fully accepting bond with their child.
Fantasy #3: I was stolen from my bio/first parents.
This fantasy is not one that most adoptive parents expect. After all, does your child actually think you kidnapped them?
No, not rationally, but young kids aren’t the most rational creatures.
Again, when there’s an absence of information, kids manufacture explanations as to why things happen. In this case, by imagining they were stolen from their bio parents, the child can not only retain an image of their bio/first parents as good people, but can think of themselves as a wanted child.
To counter this fantasy, adoptive parents can provide their child with age-appropriate facts surrounding the adoption, for example, that their bio-mother worked closely with the adoption agency, making sure she could find a good family for her child.
Fantasy #4: My “real” (bio) parents will appear and reclaim me as their own.
This fantasy is similar to the above one in that it serves to both maintain the bio/first parents as loving and the child as loveable. It’s a fantasy that can reassure the child that someone loves and wants them especially when the connection with the adoptive parents feels strained. As with Fantasy #3, this one is often triggered by the disconnection with a parent that naturally occurs throughout childhood—for example, the child is being disciplined, or a parent isn’t readily available, or the parent is angry at the child, etc.
What parents can do
Any time you’re dealing with a child’s intense feelings, kids are best helped when those feelings are named and brought into the open where you and your child can deal with them.
There are two options based on how well you think your child can manage talking about emotions: 1) Talk about the emotions directly, or 2) Talk about the emotions indirectly. Both of these options are addressed in detail in the two, key posts, “Voicing Your Child’s Emotions: the Direct Approach” and “Talking About Hard Subjects: Using an Indirect Approach.”
The first question to ask yourself is how well you think your child can manage talking about feelings directly. Will doing so overwhelm your child? Is your child old enough—say, above 5—to be able to express their emotions, much less have insight into what their emotions are?
You can certainly start with talking about emotions directly to see what reaction your child has. Do they engage with you or change the subject? Do they seem interested or distracted? These reactions will help you determine if your child is developmentally and emotionally ready to talk directly about their feelings. If they aren’t, then you go the indirect route.
Just keep in mind that kids—especially young ones—have a short endurance when it comes to discussing feelings. It’s best to duck in, then duck out. A few minutes here, a few minutes there. But the key is to visit the emotions on a regular, daily basis.
Not only will your child benefit from all this, you will feel closer, more bonded to your child.
Related Posts
Talking About Hard Subjects: Using an Indirect Approach
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What You Need to Know About Kids and Fantasy
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Naming Emotions: a Key Part of Successful Parenting
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