Whether I’m working with autistic adults, adolescents, or young kids, I’ve found that they all have had tremendous trouble as children fitting in with their peers. This probably doesn’t surprise anyone, but what few people realize is how this childhood experience of repeated rejection creates harmful social narratives in autistic children. These social narratives last a lifetime and radically affect an autistic person’s self-esteem and self-worth.
The good news is it doesn’t have to be this way, and parents are in a prime position to help their autistic child form healthy self-narratives.
A quick caveat
If your child has trouble connecting with peers, it doesn’t necessarily mean she is autistic. But if your child is on the spectrum, it’s likely she may have trouble fitting in socially. The point of this post isn’t to focus on why the problem is happening—whether it’s autism or some other issue—but rather on how the problem affects children. To this end, parents of a neurotypical child with social anxiety may find this post helpful, but the contents are tailored to the parents of autistic children and how they might specifically address issues that come with autism.
To sum up the child’s experience
So often an autistic child will find he’s unable to connect with other kids : his peers only stare at him as if he’s speaking another language, or they tell him he’s not playing right and refuse to include him. Whatever it is that happens, he keeps feeling a basic disconnection with his peers.
He tries and tries, and nothing works. He’s an outsider watching other kids succeed where he is failing. Friendship seems not only unattainable and perplexing, but is his exclusive problem. The harder he tries and the more desperate he feels only seem to make matters worse.
The social narratives that form
First, let’s do a very quick review of what narratives are (for a deeper dive into narratives, check out the post here).
Based on our earliest experiences, we form rules about how everything works, from who we and others are, to how relationships should look. These narratives guide us throughout our life, influencing every decision we make.
Narratives naturally form when we have intense feelings in response to an experience. But here’s the catch: narratives are highly affected by our perceptions—or misperceptions—of the event.
We could illustrate it this way:
Let’s apply this to an example: as a newly poddy-trained 3-year-old sits on a restaurant’s self-flushing toilet, the thing suddenly flushes with an angry roar. She’s scared half to death, logically assuming she’s going to be flushed down, too, and for months afterwards, won’t use public restrooms.
We could illustrate her experience like this:
Let’s now diagram an autistic child’s experiences with peers:
If experiences create narratives, parents can also help their child rewrite these same narratives. Here’s how.
The initial steps
1 Naming the emotion
This is always a good place to start (and is covered in more detail in the so-named post here).
When parents name their child’s emotions, the feelings are brought into the open where the child can more readily process them. In this way, emotions don’t get stuck inside a child where they collect and build, and eventually erupt.
You may be naming your child’s sadness or sense of isolation. He may feel angry, and here it’s helpful to pinpoint where the anger is directed, whether at other kids or himself. He will likely feel confused, perhaps scared or discouraged.
The goal isn’t to fix the problems or get rid of these feelings but to bring them into the open.
2 Get to know how autism specifically affects your child
This means observing your child at the playground or during playdates or even at school if possible. Watch how other kids interact and react to your child. What sorts of things do they actually tell him? What’s their impression of him, and does he know this on some level?
You’re watching for how your child tries to connect with other kids. When does he get it right? What happens as a result? What strengths do you notice in him?
Similarly, when does he get it wrong and why? Does he misinterpret other kids? Is he too caught up with his own desires to notice what they want?
Teachers can also offer a lot of information, and it’s important to get the specific, minute details, for it’s the details that will help you understand your child’s experience.
Undoing an autistic child’s social narratives
1 Attend to feelings first
Before you can appeal to your child’s intellect, you must first speak to her feelings, as discussed above. This is always necessary, especially with young children; because they feel their emotions so intensely, they’re unable to use their intellectual abilities until their emotions have calmed down. (For more on this, check out the related post, “A Common Pitfall: Speaking to the Intellect, Not the Emotions.”)
2 Correct (mis)perceptions
Autistic kids believe there’s something very wrong about themselves because they keep getting rejected by peers. While they are being rejected, they don’t understand the reasons. They misinterpret what’s going on and why.
For kids under nine or ten, emphasize that the problem isn’t their fault. Instead, their difficulty connecting with kids happens due to a mismatch.
It could sound like this:
“Sweetie, I know how much you want to play with Jemma and the other girls, and they want to play with you and be your friend. But your way of playing and their way of playing don’t match up. You have a way to do it, and they have a different way. Neither way is better or worse. But when you can’t find a way to play together, you get left out, and I know that hurts. There’s nothing wrong with you or them. It just means you haven’t found a way yet, or found kids who want to play like you do.”
You’re telling her it’s not a you-problem, which is the basis of the autistic child’s “I’m-no-good” social narrative.
(Note: how to address misperceptions with kids older than ten as addressed in #4 below.)
3 Pointing out positive narratives your child may be overlooking
Sometimes, your child might connect with a peer, and it’s important to recognize and revisit these successes. In doing so, you are creating a counter-narrative to challenge and replace your child’s negative self-narrative.
“Remember when you met that kid at the playground,” you might say, “and he wanted to collect rocks and line them up with you? You made a friend. You figured out a way to play together. That kid liked playing with you. He liked you, and I know that felt really good.”
You can also help your child recognize partial successes. For instance, you might say, “Yesterday when I got to Afterschool a little early, I watched you playing that hide and seek game with the other kids. I know you didn’t want to play and you did a lot of watching them play, but there were times you were running around, too. You even found someone hiding once.
“In the car ride home, you said you hadn’t been playing, but I think you were. Even when you were watching them play, you were still in the game, and that was your way of taking part. And that’s fine. You can play as much or as little as you want and still be part of everything.”
4 Educate about autism as appropriate
As your child gets older and is more able to incorporate an intellectual understanding of what it means to be autistic, you can start to educate her. It means helping her understand how her brain is wired in certain ways that have made it harder for her to form friendships. It will be helpful here to have a good understanding of how autism generally affects relationships and how it specifically has affected your child.
For instance, does your child get easily overwhelmed in social settings so that she withdraws? How well does she read facial or social cues, or do they overstimulate her? Does she get fixated on her interests so that it’s hard to find ways to connect with peers?
As you—and your child—understand her specific difficulties as a product of how her brain is wired, an important shift takes place. Rather than blaming herself and seeing her problems as a “me-problem,” your child can start to accept herself as is, rather than in comparison to neurotypical kids.
This is a fundamental narrative shift, too. She’s letting go of the “I’m-bad” narrative and replacing it with something more akin to “I’m-wired-in-a-way-that-makes-it-harder-to-connect-to-some-people” narrative. Another way to put it: It’s not my fault; I’m not a bad person.
New narratives often require time to take hold. You will need to regularly remind your child of the new narrative, especially if he continues to have experiences—like peer rejection—that suggest the old, negative self-narrative. Just know that with time, patience, and persistence, you can help improve your child’s self-esteem not just temporarily but for the long term.
For more on autism, stay tuned for the upcoming post that explains how autistic children’s sensitivity to their world creates specific problems for them.
Related Posts
A Common Pitfall: Speaking to the Intellect, Not the Emotions
A simple, but profoundly effective change parents can make in talking with their child. Here’s how to do it.
The All-Important Link Between Feelings and Behavior
Kids desperately need us to understand their feelings. But for us to understand their feelings, we have to first look at their behavior.
Naming Emotions: a Key Part of Successful Parenting
Naming emotions for a child not only builds emotional intelligence and self-esteem, it improves the child’s behavior. Here’s how it’s done.
Childhood Narratives: How They Impact Kids for a Lifetime
Narratives are one of the most important things parents need to know about a child’s psychology. This post will tell you what they are and how they work.
