Everyone has emotional triggers: we’ve all experienced the sudden rush of intense feelings set off by something someone says or does. Almost by definition, when we’re triggered, we react without thinking, and afterwards when everything has calmed down, we might wonder why we had such an intense reaction—a reaction so intense that we regret what we said or did.
Just know that being triggered is a very common experience and that there’s a lot you can do to control your triggers rather than let them control you.
First, what are emotional triggers?
Triggers are typically childhood wounds that never fully healed such that they are now sensitive areas which, when “triggered” by something in the present, return us to the original hurt.
At these moments, we are no longer our rational thirty-five-year-old self. Instead, our not-so-rational childhood feelings take over and we react to the present as if we were still in the past.
In the past, emotional triggers protected us. Now they get in our way.
We have triggers for a reason: they helped us deal with bad things in our past.
For example, when five-year-old Anthony hears his alcoholic father return home after dinner and start to raise his voice, he knows it’s best to sneak off to his room. This becomes a trigger for Anthony: if someone raises his voice, he wants to retreat and hide.
As a child, this kept Anthony away from his father’s angry wrath. The trigger helped him survive a bad situation.
As an adult, however, the trigger gets in his way: anytime his partner gets irritated and raises his voice, Anthony walks away and avoids him. Rather than talk through their issues, Anthony fears his boyfriend’s anger even though Anthony knows his partner—unlike his father—can control his anger.
Triggers often point to early narratives
At the heart of our emotional triggers often lies a childhood narrative. (For a quick review of what narratives are, check out the post, “Childhood Narratives: How They Impact Kids for a Lifetime.”)
Let’s look at the Venn diagram that illustrates how narratives are formed:
Based on our feelings and our understanding of an event, we construct a narrative about how things generally work. This is how Anthony arrived at the narrative that he should avoid people who are angry.
This original Venn diagram can be rewritten to illustrate how we get triggered by present-day events:
Notice how our rational, thinking mind “turns off” as we are flooded with old, childhood feelings which are triggered by the present-day event. In the end, we behave according to the original narrative which is probably not the best choice for the present-day circumstance.
To sum up, here’s what happens:
- An event creates some feelings
- These present-day feelings trigger past feelings
- The past feelings awaken past narratives
- Past narratives determine present-day behaviors
An example
Let’s say I was a military brat and moved frequently as a child so that I was always losing friends. As a result, I formed the narrative that making friends wasn’t worth it. As a child, this narrative protected me from further losses whenever we moved. (For a deeper dive into the effects of moving on children, check out the post, “The Effects of Frequent Moves on Children: the Story of Rhiannon.”)
But as a young adult, when my girlfriend tells me she’s ready to “step up” our relationship and be exclusive because she really likes me, I become triggered.
As she asks for more intimacy, I panic with a childhood fear. The trigger has re-ignited old narratives and old ways of coping with problems.
So, what do I do?
Though I can’t explain my reasons to her or myself, I break up with her.
When we’re triggered, an early narrative is activated by our present situation so that we behave as if we’re still in the past.
Another way to put it: our adult-self is being controlled by our little-kid-self. It’s as if we’re letting an eight-year-old tell us what to do and how to act.
Put this way, do you want a little kid running your life?
The 5 steps of not letting your “inner child” run your life
1 Recognize when your behavior is an over-reaction—over-reactions point to a trigger.
When you “over-react,” your intense feelings don’t match up with the situation and you do something that doesn’t make sense—especially after the fact when you can view things more objectively. (In the example above, my breaking up with my girlfriend was an over-reaction.)
Anytime you over-react, it’s likely that a trigger is responsible.
Recognize this, and observe what happened without judgment. Don’t punish yourself; you may dislike what you did, but beating yourself up doesn’t help. (For more on this, check out the upcoming post, “How to Never Feel Guilty Again.”)
2 Identify the feelings that the trigger brought up
This is an important step in getting to know the trigger—and yourself!
Again, no judgment here. Just identify and observe the feelings. Observe how intense they were. How often and when do you have these same intense feelings?
In the above example, when my girlfriend wants to “step up” our relationship, I have intense fears that I might lose someone I care about.
3 Connect these triggering feelings to your past
As a child, how often and when did you have these same feelings? Are these feelings reminiscent or connected to past events (such as repeatedly losing friends, as in the example above)?
If your present-day feelings were out of line with present-day events, how were they more appropriate in the past and especially your childhood?
(Note: recalling your past can be challenging, especially when past events still feel very raw. If this is the case, consider revisiting the past with the help of a therapist.)
4 What narratives formed as a result of these past events?
This step is hard to do, especially because the feelings from past events tend to cloud our ability to rationally reflect on these events. (Again, it can be helpful to have a trained, experienced, and objective person help with this.)
Here are some questions to ask yourself.
As a child, how did you try to deal with the difficult event(s) of your past given how little you were? Consider how you tried to make sense of the events and how you explained them to yourself. Did you create specific rules or guidelines for yourself to get through it all?
(It may be helpful to read the following post which addresses how young children frequently misunderstand events and create inaccurate narratives: “(mis)Perceptions: the Natural Reason Young Kids Have So Much Trouble.”)
5 Reflect on the narrative with your thinking, intellectual mind
Now that you can trace the present-day trigger to an actual narrative that is rooted in your past experiences, reflect on whether the narrative still makes sense today: it probably won’t.
For example, it doesn’t make sense when I break up with my girlfriend because, while wanting more intimacy, I’m afraid this will lead to a greater loss when I somehow inevitably lose her. My old narrative of avoid loss at all costs keeps me isolated, which ironically is the very thing I find so painful.
By reflecting on the narrative with your intellectual, rational self, you are connecting your thinking half with your feeling half. You are helping your mind—your rational self—talk to your heart—your feeling and reactive self. (For more on this, check out “Head vs. Heart: Growing a Neck.”)
When you are triggered, your heart is screaming at you, drowning out your rational thoughts. By reflecting on the narrative at times when you’re not triggered, you’re getting your mind to talk to your heart. You’re starting a healing dialog. With more practice and better communication between your thinking and feeling halves, you’ll find that your heart calms down and can listen to your rational self.
Practice, practice, practice
Change comes slowly, and only with practice. It takes time to get to know your emotional triggers and your past narratives. It takes time for your rational head to learn how to talk effectively to your emotional heart.
Be patient with yourself and know that every time you over-react and get triggered, it’s an opportunity to learn about yourself and what’s going on deep inside of you.
Put aside the self-judgment. Instead, let your head talk to your heart, knowing that each time, you’re getting closer to controlling the trigger and finding a new way of being.
Related Posts
(mis)Perceptions: The Reason Young Kids Have So Much Trouble
Because young children misunderstand and misperceive things, they can create harmful narratives that can last a lifetime. Here’s how to prevent this.
Head vs. Heart: Growing a Neck
Good mental health starts with strong communication between your head (your thinking) and your heart (your feelings). Here’s how.
Childhood Narratives: How They Impact Kids for a Lifetime
Narratives are one of the most important things parents need to know about a child’s psychology. This post will tell you what they are and how they work.
2 thoughts on “How to Manage Emotional Triggers in 5 Steps”
Hi Rachel,
That’s a really great question! And thanks for the comments, too.
I think the best way to think about triggers is that they are the “event” that the narrative is based on. For instance, if a parent isolates themselves every time they get super mad–they go into their bedroom, they leave the home, the lock themselves into the bathroom, etc–whatever narrative that might form from their anger–for instance, that anger threatens the child’s relationship with the parent–the parent’s leaving will become a trigger for the child. The trigger is a specific condition, whereas the narrative is a more general rule of how things work.
That said, while narratives tend to get passed on between generations, the triggers may vary. If, for instance, the child in the example above fears their own and other’s anger, they may not be able to tolerate their own child’s anger when they become a parent. They may do anything to keep their child from being angry, but when their child inevitably does get mad, they may become very anxious that the child’s anger will hurt their relationship. This fear could be communicated to the child, who might then adopt the narrative that anger threatens relationships. The trigger for this now intergenerational narrative, however, will not be associated with someone isolating themselves when angry.
The trigger could be passed down if this child-now-parent behaves as their own parent did, isolating whenever mad. Then it’s very possible that their child will form a similar narrative that is triggered by the isolating behavior.
Thanks again for the question! Hope this was helpful.
I shared this article with my spouse, and he found it really helpful too. I’ve always just thought of myself as someone who is easily triggered by things but reading this, everything starts to make more sense. There are reasons for my triggers though they aren’t good reasons at this point in my life. Can triggers be passed on to my kids like narratives?