In this first part, we look at what aggression actually is and why it might be happening. In Part 2, we dive deeper into specific examples to figure out how to respond in a way that gets at the root of the aggression.
What we’re talking about when we’re talking about aggression
We often think of aggression as anger that gets out of control, but there’s another piece to it: aggression involves another person. We can be angry and alone, but we can’t be aggressive and alone; we need someone (or something) there to focus the aggression on. Aggression is all about the other person and provoking feelings in them.
Because anger and aggression are different, how we respond to a kid’s behavior depends on whether the behavior comes from anger or aggressiveness. Figuring this out is hard, especially because angry and aggressive behaviors often look similar. Not only that, our kid’s intense behavior often makes us react emotionally or impulsively.
It all comes down to the kid’s intent. Is she being hurtful to provoke feelings in us or is her anger simply so intense that she’s out of control? When we figure out our kid’s intent, we can figure out what to do.
A quick note here: aggression can also take a different form where kids act out in a more subtle, passive-aggressive way. This type of aggression will be looked at in a future, upcoming post, “The Key to Dealing With Passive-Aggressive Behavior.”
Safety is definitely first, but what is second?
Parents need to draw a line in the sand when a kid’s behavior—whether angry or aggressive—becomes abusive. What constitutes abuse is up to you, but usually kids are out of control when they become abusive. That’s when you need to step in and control the kid. Especially with kids under five, it can be helpful to tell them, “If you can’t control your body, I will need to do so.”
Keep in mind that you don’t have to wait until your child is out of control and hurting you to set limits. You’ll probably see his behavior ramping up, and that can be a good time to set limits while he’s still got some self-control.
Setting limits is usually as far as most parents go. After all, this is often the advice parents get: respond to the behavior by setting limits, and your work is done. But the problem—that is, your child’s feelings!—hasn’t actually been addressed, and therefore nothing is actually going to change. Soon enough, you and your kid will be at it again.
This is where you can take a deep dive and get at what’s really happening.
Is it intense anger or aggression?
Figuring out your kid’s intent is hard, especially if you’re having your own intense response to the behavior. As much as you can, try setting aside your emotional reaction and ask yourself what your kid is wanting.
For example, does he want to vent his feelings or does he want you to have feelings, too? When he throws something, is it the first thing within reach or is he picking something that’s important to you? Is the behavior getting personal and therefore aggressive? Or is he just spinning out of control and he needs someone to step in and contain his big feelings? Is he screaming at you because he’s screaming for help or is trying to hurt you with his words?
Again, making these subtle distinctions is hard in the intensity of the moment, and you may need to take a few breaths or step aside for a minute to calm yourself to be more objective.
So, let’s say you decide that your kid is being aggressive. Now what?
Why is the aggression towards parents happening?
When kids are aggressive, parents usually just want to stop the aggression. Why it’s happening isn’t as important as making it stop. But a child’s aggression always has purpose to it and if you don’t understand why it’s occurring, you’re going to have a hard time stopping it.
Aggression is like any other behavior, and you always have to ask yourself what your kid is trying to tell you through the behavior. That’s the key, and that’s why understanding the aggression will give you a huge head start in stopping the behavior.
Because aggression requires the presence of a second person, and because kids act aggressively to provoke specific feelings in you, you can use this to figure out what’s going on inside your kid.
Often enough, kids want someone to feel the same way they feel. It’s as if they imagine they literally can hand off these unwanted feelings to someone else so that they won’t have them anymore. It doesn’t make sense, yet all kids do this—and actually, we adults often do it, too! (See the important post on figuring out kids, “A Key Technique Therapists Use to Figure Out Kids.”)
Knowing this, tap into the feelings that are coming up in you. Those are likely the same feelings your kid is struggling with and trying to provoke.
In theory, this may sound easy enough, but for many parents, it’s hard sorting out their own feelings, especially when they may be triggered by their own, past experiences growing up. In either case, it’s always helpful to look at the specific details of a child’s behavior to figure out what kind of feelings they are trying to provoke.
That’s what we take up in Part 2.
Corresponding Posts
A Key Technique Therapists Use to Figure Out Kids
Figuring out kids is rarely easy or obvious. Child therapists have a helpful technique which anyone can (and should!) use.
Aggression Towards Parents, Part 2: What To Do
We now look at how parents can respond not only to their child’s aggression, but to the roots of the aggression.
Aggression Towards Peers: Why It’s Happening
Here’s why aggression is happening and what you can do about it.
How to Manage Anger as a Secondary Emotion in Children
Understanding anger as a secondary emotion, parents can get at the source of their child’s anger to help him manage his feelings.
