Deciphering why your child is aggressive: it’s all in the details
Remembering that the feelings your kid provokes in you is often the same, unwanted feelings that he’s having, let’s take a deeper dive and look at a few examples. Let’s say your four-year-old:
- keeps trying to bite you, and when you prevent him, he takes a plate and threatens to break it.
- repeatedly pinches his baby brother to make him cry. When you pick up his brother, he repeatedly stabs a fork into the table while looking at you and laughing.
- rather than use his potty, he walks about the bathroom peeing on the wall, the floor, and the bathmat.
- he tells you he hates you, that you’re stupid and a bad mom, that he’s going to run away and find a better mom, that he wishes you would die.
These are all aggressive, provocative acts, but the flavor is different for each one. While we could do what most books and websites would suggest—set a limit to stop the aggression—can we do a little more to get to the root of the problem?
Because aggression requires the presence of a second person, and because kids act aggressively to provoke specific feelings in you, you can use this to figure out what’s going on inside your kid.
In the first example, the kid is trying to bite you and when you stop him, he threatens to break a dish. What feeling is he trying to provoke? Anger, yes, but this example seems more in line with fear. After all, he hasn’t thrown the plate. He threatens to do so not because he wants anger from you—in which case, he would throw the plate—but because he wants you to feel afraid.
Example #2: he’s pinching the baby, then stabbing the table. Now we have a kid who is no longer threatening but actually acting out, and it would make sense for you to be quite mad.
In example #3, all sorts of feelings might be provoked—anger, disgust, even sadness—but what emotion is he after? He’s basically saying, “I can pee wherever I want, and I’m going to do it all over the place and you can’t do anything.” It’s this latter part—the parent’s helplessness—that I think he’s trying for. He’s got control over his pee, and you don’t!
Number 4 sounds a bit over the top, but perhaps not for a four-year-old. This kid is clear: he wants you to know you’re not just terrible, but that he’s rejecting you. That’s the point. He wants you to feel worthless and perhaps sad, too.
Okay, we have the feelings, now what?
1. Set the limit
Yes, we always need to set the limit, especially around safety. We tell our kid we won’t let him pinch his brother, or throw the plate, or bite you. We tell him his words are hurtful (in #4) and saying he wished you’d die is going too far. It’s fine that he hates you but wishing your death is not okay.
Notice that setting a limit here isn’t the same as giving a consequence. Age-appropriate consequences may be necessary (i.e. the bathroom boy needs to help put the mat in the washing machine or bring you the mop from the closet) but you don’t necessarily have to have a consequence to show your kid that you’re serious. Obviously, with the table-stabbing kid, you take away the fork, just as you lifted his brother to safety.
2. Speak to the emotion
This second step is often missing from parenting books, websites, and from many parent’s own childhood. Check out the post, “Voicing Your Child’s Emotions: the Direct Approach” for more, but here’s the basic idea.
Wait until your child is settled enough to hear you. Then, with as much empathy as you can find in the moment, label the feelings your kid has been provoking in you and which you suspect he has, too. You’re not trying to fix these emotions or tell him not to have them, you’re just labelling them and expressing compassion for what he must be experiencing. That said, if you feel it’s especially needed, there’s room here to gently remind him of the reality, as in example d) below where the mom reminds her child that he’s loved and loveable.
It could sound like this for the following four examples above.
A “I was scared you would bite me or throw the plate. I think that’s what you wanted, that I’d feel scared. I know you’ve been scared lately, especially with starting the new preschool. I get how scary it can be because you made me feel scared, too.”
B “I was mad that you were hurting your brother, and then the table. I won’t let you hurt things like that, but I think you wanted me to feel mad because you’ve been feeling mad, and now I know how bad it can feel. I’m sure there are things that are making you feel angry, and I hope we can figure out together what they are so you don’t have to feel so mad.”
C “You made a big mess, and I couldn’t do anything. You get to control your pee and your penis, not me or anyone else. But I know you often feel like everyone is bigger than you and we’re always telling you what to do. I think I get how horrible it feels to be little and helpless because that’s how I felt when you peed everywhere.”
D “All those things you said, it sounded like you wanted me to feel like I was a bad mom, and that you didn’t love me anymore. I wonder if that’s how you feel sometimes, that you’re bad in some way and that people don’t love you. I don’t think any of that is true—I know I adore you!—but I know sometimes you might feel like it is, and I know how bad that feels.”
After voicing his feelings to him, it’s unlikely your child will have any response. But he has heard you, and he knows you understand him. And that was what he needed.
Related Posts
How to Manage Anger as a Secondary Emotion in Children
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When There’s a New Baby in the Family
Understand what older siblings experience when a new baby arrives to better help them with their feelings and troubling behaviors.
Following Through: What Often Gets in a Parent’s Way
If discipling a child–especially following through–is hard to do, here’s what might be getting in your way.
Aggression Towards Peers: Why It’s Happening
Here’s why aggression is happening and what you can do about it.
Voicing Your Child’s Emotions: the Direct Approach
Talking to kids about their feelings is one of the most important yet challenging jobs for parents. Here’s how to make it a lot easier.
