Parents really struggle when their child is aggressive with friends. They want to stop the aggression immediately, and they fear that their child is going to lose a friend. Or worse: that others will label their kid as a bully. Which means that they are the parent of a bully (i.e. a Bad Parent).
But kids are naturally aggressive with each other. They naturally fight with their friends. It’s all part of the learning process. But even knowing this, most parents have trouble tolerating aggression in their child. So let’s look at why it’s happening and what parents can do about it.
First, a story
There’s a story in my family that, having been told and retold so many times, has become a family legend: when I was three, I removed a closet doorknob—it had always been broken so that you could pull it free—and holding the skewered end like some enormous lollipop, I stood before our piano and smashed as many keys as I could before my mom grabbed me.
The story ends there, as if it were only a random act, an impulsive three-year-old stumbling upon an unfortunate piano. Looking back now, this was no random act because there’s more to the story.
My mom was a serious pianist. She practiced a lot and didn’t like me interrupting her. I was jealous of that piano as if it were a peer I had to compete with.
I came up with a solution: vent my anger, destroy the thing that’s stealing my mom, and show her how sad I am by making her feel sad. (I must say, it was some brilliant thinking on my part.)
My mom didn’t exactly see it this way. In fact, she freaked out. After all, what do you do when your kid’s aggression seems so extreme?
But the truth is, all kids act out aggressively, and this aggression is often vented at parents, objects and peers. We look at aggression towards parents in another two-part post, and here we’ll look specifically at aggression towards peers, which is often very similar to aggression towards objects.
What you do depends on your child's intent
How you react to your kid’s aggression is not cut and dry. Yes, you set limits, but simply stopping the aggression is only half the story. We have to dive a bit deeper to understand what’s really going on inside your kid in order to speak to the problem.
We start with figuring out your kid’s intent, a step that’s often overlooked by parents despite it taking only a few seconds of reflection. Here’s a few common underlying reasons for aggression at peers:
- Having big feelings of anger, sadness, fear, etc.
- Lacking the ability to control impulses
- Experimenting with having control and power
- Experimenting with dominance and making others feel small
How to figure out your kid’s intent
To figure out a kid’s intent, we have to look at his actual behavior for clues. It’s all in the details.
Here’s some examples of specific behaviors and how they suggest a child’s intent.
- How about the kid who breaks the keys of his mom’s piano? He clearly has Reason #1, Big feelings. (One thing to keep in mind: when kids are angry, they often have accompanying feelings that are deeper than the anger. The two-year-old who smacks his nursing sister in the head is jealous and angry, but underlying this is his sadness that he can’t be nursing and have that closeness with his mom. Anger and aggression often go hand-in-hand, but there’s often another, primary feeling under the anger, such as sadness, fear, loneliness, or shame.)
- Let’s say your three-year-old is playing with a few trucks, pushing them around the floor, when another kid takes one of the trucks. Your kid shouts and lashes out at the other child, arms flailing. This is an example of Reason #2, Impulse control. (Notice that there aren’t big, intense feelings at play here. It’s more sudden frustration and surprise, and being unable to voice these feelings, your child acts them out. It’s behavior that is less focused on the other kid than on getting the toy back.)
- Another example: two four-year-olds are playing dress up. They both want to be the lion, and they start to fight over the costume, yelling and tugging at the headdress. This fits with Reason #3, Experimenting with control and power: (Considering that kids so often don’t have much power, they sometimes want to control things in order to gain a sense of power, which helps them feel like they matter and are significant. It’s not an intellectual desire to have power for power’s sake but rather to combat the feeling of inadequacy that comes when you can’t get anything you want.)
- Imagine this: with no warning, and as if she couldn’t care less, your four-year-old walks up to her toddler brother and pushes him over, then walks away, unbothered. This gets at Reason #4, Experimenting with dominance and making others feel small. (In this example, the big kid is letting the little one know he’s small and vulnerable. It’s not like she’s angry, but rather sending a message: here’s the pecking order, and you’re at the bottom! In this way, she doesn’t feel quite so small because there’s someone smaller than she.)
How you talk, the intensity and loudness of your voice, all completely matter. How you say it is as important—if not more—than the words you use.
You understand your child’s intent. Now what?
The first part is setting the limit and establishing safety.
This means stopping the aggression, perhaps separating the two kids if necessary. You’ll want to comfort the child who’s been hurt. Help him voice his hurt, and encourage the aggressor to listen.
You want the aggressive child to recognize how his aggression has hurt someone. By linking his behavior with someone else’s hurt feelings, you’re building his empathy so that he can self-correct and self-regulate.
This is far more effective than making him follow some rule that someone else (i.e. you) made up. And it’s far, far more effective than berating or scolding, which sends a much different, harmful message to the aggressor.
It’s crucial that you encourage his compassion for the hurt person without making him feel like he’s a bad kid. His behavior wasn’t acceptable, but he still is. You believe in him and his ability to get control of himself and his feelings.
The second part is voicing your kid’s feelings
You may find this is a repetitive theme in all these posts, but once you understand what’s really going on inside your kid, you can speak to her about her feelings. (See “Voicing Your Child’s Emotions: The Direct Approach” for more on this.)
How you talk, the intensity and loudness of your voice, all completely matter. How you say it is as important—if not more—than the words you use.
The goal is to help her understand what’s going on inside her. The attitude you’re shooting for is one of acceptance, tolerance, and recognizing that right now, she’s having trouble controlling her feelings, but she’ll get better at it. Again, the behavior wasn’t acceptable, but she still is.
It might sound like this: “When you pushed over your little brother, I think you were trying to make him feel small and little so you could feel big and strong. Let’s find other ways for you to feel big and strong without making someone else feel badly.”
Remember, keep this talk extremely short. A half-minute is all you need, and likely all you’ll get. And don’t expect her to confirm or agree with what you said. She’s heard you and for now that’s what matters.
Related Posts
How to Manage Anger as a Secondary Emotion in Children
Understanding anger as a secondary emotion, parents can get at the source of their child’s anger to help him manage his feelings.
How Feeling Small Surprisingly Affects a Child’s Behavior
Young children feel very small, and this feeling radically affects everything they do. Understanding exactly how kids feel small can help parents deal with tough behaviors.
Letting Go of Shame
Shame is a toxic emotion in adults and kids. It eats us from the inside. But it doesn’t have to live and breed in us. Here’s a new way to see things so that shame literally becomes a thing of the past.
Aggression Towards Parents, Part 1: Why It’s Happening
When responding to aggression, first know why it’s happening. It’s not just that your kid is angry; she wants to provoke a response in you.
Naming Emotions: a Key Part of Successful Parenting
Naming emotions for a child not only builds emotional intelligence and self-esteem, it improves the child’s behavior. Here’s how it’s done.
Voicing Your Child’s Emotions: the Direct Approach
Talking to kids about their feelings is one of the most important yet challenging jobs for parents. Here’s how to make it a lot easier.
