What’s the real issue?
Getting your kid to bed can be rough. But some things help. We know that routines are super important. Book time can set the right mood. Baths can get kids mellowed out. And letting kids know what’s coming next keeps it all moving forward. The logistics of bedtime definitely matter.
None of this is rocket science.
You probably know all this already and have tried it. So, when your three-year-old keeps leaving her bed to stand in the doorway and call for you, there’s something else going on.
The issue isn’t about logistics and routines; it’s about emotions. Most parents know this. But what exactly is going on inside your kid?
It's about separation
For kids, saying goodnight is like saying goodbye. It means not seeing you for a long time. And if there are two parents in the picture, it can feel even harder for a child. After all, her going to sleep means that her parents can now hang out and have one-on-one time which she’d love to get.
And not just that… In her view, why do her two parents—who are grownups and can deal with being alone—share a bed while she—a child who can’t necessarily deal—sleeps alone? It makes no sense! And she’s right: it doesn’t make sense. (Except that it does to us parents!)
The bottom line? She badly misses you. She knows she’ll see you tomorrow, but that’s too far away. She feels very alone, as if jettisoned from the mother ship to drift about in empty space. To be separate means to be lost, and feeling lost often makes kids fear that they and their world will disintegrate.
The solution
As kids grow, so does their ability to maintain the idea of us in their heads when we’re not actually there. We take this ability for granted, but we weren’t born that way. This is why kids find comfort in so-called “transitional objects”—their stuffies, their blanket, a picture of you, your old unwashed T-shirt, and so on.
We learned how to carry the idea of others inside us, and so can your kid. You can help her do this by talking about it.
Try these:
- Give your kid a long hug, then ask him where the hug is inside his body.
- After you read a book with him, ask him to close his eyes and point to where the story is inside of him. Remind him that you read the story to him, and ask where he stores your voice inside his body.
- Ask your child to close his eyes and picture what you look like. Ask him to describe one thing he sees in his head.
- At bedtime, ask him, “When I leave the room, can I still be somewhere inside of you? Can you keep me there? Where do you think that spot will be? Tonight, when you’re missing me, can you go to that spot and find a little bit of me there?”
In these ways, you’re encouraging your kid to not just carry you inside but to be able to access the memory of you. You’re essentially helping him develop the ability to remain connected and comforted by you when you’re not actually there.
Filling the hole
There’s a horrible truth that everyone begins to grasp within the first year of our lives. We know this fact without realizing it, yet it’s one of the most terrifying things we may ever learn: we are all permanently separate and alone, our brains and bodies distinct. The writer Tennessee Williams put it this way: “We’re all sentenced to solitary confinement inside our own skins, for life.”
And yet, as if to counter this reality, kids have a primal, overpowering need to feel connected to a parent. Kids feel connected when they feel that they matter, that they are loved unconditionally, that they’re important, and that someone cares about them.
At night, when they’re separated from parents, kids feel disconnected. Because young kids have trouble imagining the future, it’s hard for them to imagine the morning when they can reconnect.
At bedtime, a hole starts to form that needs filling.
With this in mind, what do you do?
The solution
We’re almost talking about the same thing as with separation. With separation, we’re trying to help our kid carry a mental image of us. In filling the hole, we’re helping our kid feel loved in a way that she can carry this love inside of her.
At bedtime when you’re tucking her in, try saying this:
“Does it ever feel like you have a little bit of me inside of you?”
(Your kid will probably nod.)
“Where’s that space? Where in your body would you say you got me?”
(She might point to her chest.)
“Now, with your hands, show me how much of me do you have in there right now.”
(Demonstrate with your own hands, holding them wide apart or very close together to show how full the space is.)
“I want to fill up that space with all my love so you have more than enough of me to get you through the night. You ready?”
(And here you can hug her, kiss her, nuzzle her,. rub her head and arms, squeeze her feet, and so on. Gear it towards what feels right for your kid, whether she prefers a rough or gentle touch, a fun or serious mood, etc. For kids on the spectrum who may not want this kind of physical “filling,” explore other ways to fill the space that works for them.)
“Now, after all that, show me how much of me you got in there.”
(If she shows you she doesn’t have that much, then she needs more filling. You might need to repeat the process another time or two.)
This can be a good strategy to use not just at bedtime but anytime you feel your kid needs a connection with you. It means that before preschool, she can get a refill or when you see her in the morning, or when you return from work. Whenever it is, the message is the same: I love you, you matter, and always, always know that.
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