Most parents experience at least some resistance from their child when toilet training. This is absolutely normal, and it’s often the first real, direct conflict parents have with their child. After a year or two or three or four…or more…parents are weary of diapers, but kids don’t necessarily see the immediate need to use a toilet. And so, it comes down to your agenda versus your child’s.
But if parents only consider the practical and logistical pieces of getting poop and pee into the toilet and out of the diaper (or underwear), they’re missing a super important piece of the puzzle: the child’s feelings. When parents fully understand what’s going on inside that no-so-rational mind of their child–especially when it comes to using toilets–they’ll find they have new ways to approach an age-old challenge.
Control: a big piece of the toileting puzzle
Ultimately, we are asking our child to control where he puts his pee and poop, and control is an especially important issue for young kids. Control is often at the root of a child’s resistance with toilet training.
Here’s how a kid might feel about it:
Everyone bosses me around. They tell me what to do. Sometimes they pick me up to make me go places. I hate that.
But there are some things I do by myself. Like breathing and opening and closing my eyes. And eating: they can put things in my mouth, but they can’t make me swallow them!
Then there’s peeing and pooping. They can’t control that, even though they want to. I get to decide when and where I poop and pee. And that’s nice.
(For a more in-depth look at control, see the post “Control: What Kids Really Want.”)
Because kids feel so small and powerless, they badly want to control the few things—like peeing and pooping—that no one else can control. When it comes to toilet training, kids can rebel and resist because they feel we are robbing them of their self-control.
It’s also important to recognize that in our eagerness to never see another diaper, we may put some pressure on our child to use the toilet. When we say things like, “Please, just try sitting on the toilet for me,” or “We can’t leave for your playdate until you try to go potty,” kids may feel not only pressured but that their parent’s approval pins on whether they use the toilet.
Toilet training is best done when you can follow the ebb and flow of your child’s willingness to use the toilet. When you find your kid is resistant to toilet training, it’s best to back off.
Let your kid know that he’s in charge of his body, that he gets to decide where and when to poop and pee. In this way, toileting is one of the first real ways that children can feel a sense of ownership and empowerment over their body.
If toileting becomes coercive, shaming, or punishing—if the parent essentially tells the child that the parent’s approval (i.e. love) is dependent on the child’s obeying—this tells the child that she shouldn’t have power over her own body. It also sends the damaging message that the child is not loved unconditionally but rather the parent’s approval is dependent on obeying—and producing something. This kind of parenting doesn’t allow for a young child’s natural rebellion and assertion of independence, and sets the stage for later, more severe rebellions and acting out that can come with adolescence.
And why should I poop in a toilet?
To most kids, this is a fair question. When it comes to toilet training, what’s in it for your kid?
Your child’s motivation is important, especially when her agenda is not the same as yours. She doesn’t care about the expense, hassle, or plain grossness of diapers.
Still, there are a few benefits a child can see in using a toilet:
- It clearly pleases parents
- She can feel more like a “big” kid
- Maybe her peers are doing it, too
At its root, toilet training essentially means that you’re asking your kid to do something for you. (Sure, it benefits her in the long run, but from your kid’s immediate perspective, she doesn’t gain much when using the toilet.)
It’s reasonable to ask things of your child, just as it’s reasonable for her to say, “I don’t feel like it right now.” Whether she’s tired or angry at you, or wanting to demonstrate her being in control, it’s important that she knows it’s okay not to use the toilet, that you still value, love, and approve of her.
The more you can roll with your child’s whims and resistance to toilet training, the easier it will go in the end.
Imagine losing a piece of your body
When it comes to pooping, put yourself into the mindset of a three-year-old, if you dare. Here’s what it might look like:
I can make pee and poop inside my body. The pee is like water which goes all over, but poop is a thing. It’s something that I made. My parents want me to throw it out like it doesn’t matter. They say it’s bad and disgusting. But it comes from me. I don’t want to throw it out.
It may not make logical sense to us adults, but small kids feel that their poop is a part of them! They made it, and instead of flushing it away, they’d rather carry it around in their diaper where they can keep it close.
Pooping into a toilet makes them sad to lose a small piece of themselves.
Saying goodbye—literally waving at their prized possession as it disappears down the toilet—can help kids with this loss. It’s also helpful letting them know that they’ll never stop making poop. Soon enough there will be more poop waiting to come out. (How ironic: we parents dread the endless supply of poop while our kids are so reassured by it!)
Try saying something like, “It’s sad saying goodbye to something that you made, but you’re making more inside your body right now. You’ll always have some inside of you. And when you say goodbye to that poop and feel a little sad, just know that there will still be more inside of you.”
Being big is not always so great
Some parents try to sell using a toilet as a step towards being a big kid. It’s all true, though kids often have mixed feelings about being big, especially if there’s a younger child in the family. Being big means separating from parents. It means doing things on one’s own, like zipping up jackets and brushing one’s own teeth. If you think about it, it’s pretty nice being a baby and having everything done for you.
The key here is that kids have mixed feelings: they want to be both big and small. Which means that parents can voice these feelings for their child, and doing so helps the kid let go of those feelings. The more a kid can recognize how she’s feeling inside, the more she can process—and let go of—those feelings.
You might say something like, “It’s nice being a baby and having me do everything. But I know you also like being big and doing things on your own. It’s sad not being a baby anymore. But I still take care of you in other ways. And being big means you get to do more things.”
A final thought
Just know that kids eventually use the toilet. They will get there, but in their own time. Gentle encouragement without pressure is the key. Rather than viewing toilet training as a hurdle, consider it as a way to help your kid feel greater agency and ownership over her body. The goal isn’t to get her to use a toilet—she will eventually do so. Rather, the goal is to help her feel a sense of self-control, empowerment, and self-confidence.
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