There’s a reason kids behave badly. And it’s not to make their parents crazy. Why they behave badly usually isn’t clear to parents or their kids, but just know that their bad behavior makes sense once we understand what’s driving the behavior. At the root of a kid’s acting out are always emotions as well as a message or desire they’re trying to communicate. That message or the emotions often get lost because the bad behavior gets all the attention. But if only the behavior gets our attention—and not the child’s feelings which create the acting out behaviors—then the child will continue to behave badly. Nothing will change, and the two of you will get stuck in a downward spiral of bad behavior, hurt feelings, and negative narratives that could develop into serious self-esteem issues for your child.
Here’s what’s really going on with three specific, common behaviors, what you can do to stop them, and how you can help your child develop better ways of acting and communicating.
Lying
Kids under five are often not lying per se because developmentally they don’t have a firm grip on what is real versus imagined. Instead, they’re often expressing their fantasy of what they wish were true.
Older kids, however, will lie because they often feel shame. It’s not that they are dishonest at their core; they are ashamed of the truth, whether it’s something they did or said.
How to handle it. Speak to the shame without further shaming. You might say, “I know how the bowl got broken, because I heard you bouncing the basketball. I’m sad the bowl broke, but I don’t think you’re a bad kid. I know you didn’t mean to break anything, and I know you feel bad. I think the ball got out of control, and from now on, it stays outside. It’s okay to feel bad about what happened, but just know that doesn’t change my mind about you: I still think you’re a great kid, even when you make mistakes.”
Stealing
Why it happens. Frequently, kids steal because they feel a loss or want others to feel a loss. (Note: kids under five may simply and unemotionally covet the object they’re stealing.) In older kids, however, there’s an emotional component: they are either expressing their emotions or trying to elicit emotions in others, especially the person who loses the stolen object.
How to handle it. First ask yourself if your child might be experiencing a loss of some kind. The loss can be general (i.e., the family struggles financially) or specific (i.e., the loss of a friend). Rather than focus on the stealing, focus on the child’s loss, and name it. You might say, “When you took my mom’s photo from my desk and hid it, it made me miss her even more, and now I see how much you’re missing your friend who moved away.”
A note: why kids are poor thieves. Once, a seven-year-old client was stealing candy from his older brother and hiding the wrappers under his pillow. While he denied the thefts, his parents quickly discovered the wrappers. This was a bright kid, so why was he such a bad thief—a “good” thief gets rid of the evidence, right? Why hide the wrappers in a place that so clearly implicated him?
I believe there was a part of this child that wanted to be caught, that wanted his family to know how much he wanted something which his older brother had. It was the child’s way of communicating his needs. He wasn’t trying to say, “Look, I’m a dishonest thief!” He was trying to say, “Look, my brother has things I want and need. I would like them, too!” In this specific case, the older brother had just been diagnosed with a significant medical issue and was naturally receiving a lot of his parents’ attention, and the younger child felt quite forgotten. He wasn’t a thief; he was only sad and worried.
Hitting
Why it happens. Kids hit because they’re often unable to express their feelings. 1) they’re mad, 2) they want to make you mad, 3) they want to feel big and/or make others feel small, 4) they have big feelings (i.e., they’re sad, confused, lonely, etc.), 5) they’re scared or want to make the other person feel scared.
How to handle it. You’ll notice the child often has feelings or wants to give another person their unwanted feelings (for more on this, check out the key post, “A Key Technique Therapists Use to Figure Out Children.”) How you respond to a child’s hitting should be based on what you think is motivating the child: does he hit you a couple times to vent, or does his hitting become more intense and threatening, as if he wants to scare you? The details can help you decipher what’s driving the behavior. Based on that, you can then speak to what’s happening, such as, “When you hit your little sister, you’re trying to tell her that you’re the boss and that you’re the big kid around here. I won’t let you hit her, but you can tell her you’re the big brother and you want to be in charge of the game.”
Or: “You hit me because I said it’s bath time. You don’t like that I make the rules. It makes you mad, especially that I’m in charge. I know it’s hard being small while everyone else seems so big.”
Or (in the doctor’s office): “You hit my leg, and now you’re threatening to throw the tissue box at me. You want me to be scared, but I think you’re feeling scared because the doctor says you need a shot. Sweetie, I know shots hurt and can feel scary, but we give them to keep you healthy and safe. That’s my job. To make sure you’re safe, even if it means getting a shot that hurts for a little while.”
Cursing
Why it happens. Kids cuss for the effect, especially little kids who don’t even understand the word’s meaning. All they know is one little word makes grown-ups freak out. It’s actually quite amusing, from the child’s perspective. And they suddenly have a lot of power over a grown-up’s emotions. Even older kids who know what the words mean use cursing to elicit a response from adults.
Sometimes, kids curse simply as a way of imitating adults. Older kids might curse to feel more grown up. But they rarely curse because they want to use a full range of expressive language in which only the f-bomb can really capture the moment.
How to handle it. Don’t react! Reacting only encourages the cursing. The more attention you give the cursing, the more your child will want to curse.
Still, a response is necessary. Put aside how you feel about cursing; instead, explain that curse words make other people feel very uncomfortable. Sometimes they think poorly of kids who curse.
If cursing in public is off limits, then allow them to curse at home in a place where it’s safe. The bathroom is a fine place for this. Let them yell the words all they want, and don’t react. Soon enough, they’ll get bored, especially when no one seems to care.
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