Everyone agrees that you should get on the floor and play with your child, but what does that actually look like? Is there a “best” way to play with your child, and if so, are there strategies or techniques parents should be using? This post answers those questions with the assumption that, in the end, the best thing you can accomplish by playing with your child is to connect with her and improve the bond between the two of you.
For many of us, playing with a three-year-old feels weird and unnatural. After all, we’re not three anymore! And anyway, why do parents even need to play with their kid? Shouldn’t kids play with kids? And yet, so many parents feel a nagging guilt that they should not only be playing with their child but enjoying it.
The truth is, for many parents, playing like a kid is hard. It means being silly, nonsensical, and spontaneous, sometimes even a bit stupid or gross. It means playing at his level according to his rules and imagination. Often, this is a bit confusing or obscure to us adults.
If you’re struggling with playing with your child, just know that there are ways to make playing more enjoyable for both you. But first let’s look at why kids play.
The function of play
(For a deeper dive into kids and play, check out the post, “Kids and Play: What’s Really Going On.”)
Play is never random; there’s always a purpose to it. And for young children, true play means unstructured play where kids can be spontaneous and expressive. Only then can they make full use of what play offers.
Playing is how young kids interact and learn about their world. It’s also an important way to process and express both feelings and fantasies (for more on this, check out the post, “What You Need to Know About Kids and Fantasy“).
Because they aren’t yet able to talk about their feelings, young kids act them out, often projecting how they feel onto the things they play with. When a kid feels free to be spontaneous and expressive, he’ll feel safe to vent his feelings rather than bottle them up so that they later explode out of him.
Because play often involves others, it also allows children to learn about relationships and behaviors (i.e. what happens if I sit on the drawing my friend is making?). In this way, kids are always exploring how to connect (or not) with someone else.
With this in mind, how should parents play with their child?
Let your child lead, you follow
For most of your kid’s life, someone else is in charge of her. But play can be the one area where she gets to be in control. To be the leader is hugely empowering and satisfying for her. But just as importantly, it lets her direct the play towards the ideas and feelings that she wants to explore.
If she wants the hippo to bury the dog or bite off its feet (or both), then that’s what should happen. Playing is not a time for rules. The hippo should not be told to “be nice” to the dog. Nor is play the time to teach about (or hint at) proper behavior. Resist the temptation to say, “The poor dog! How would you like it if someone bit off your feet?”
While the parent may be trying to build empathy with this comment, it actually shames the child and sends the message that she isn’t playing appropriately.
If we keep in mind that play is about venting and expressing feelings, all feelings should be acceptable. In the case of the footless dog, the parent might say instead, “Oh, the dog has no feet! Poor guy.” Then, in a barking voice: “Oh, my feet are gone! I miss my feet! I can’t walk. What will I do?”
This response is attuned to the child and joins with her play. It also lets her know that this is a safe space where she can make objects (i.e. hippos) behave (i.e. bite off feet) in ways that are forbidden in the real world.
Letting your child lead means that she invents and develops the story, not you. This can make some parents uncomfortable, especially when your child’s story is a bit dark. Rather than suggest that the dog go to the foot store and buy new feet, ask your child, “What does the dog do now?” (And expect that the hippo will probably maim the dog some more, especially because you didn’t quash the initial maiming!)
Remember, parents often feel it’s their job to solve the problem. Resist that temptation, especially during play. Don’t fix the footless dog. We have to let the dog suffer, though it’s okay to (non-judgmentally) voice the dog’s troubles.
Play is just play and kids know this
You are not encouraging your child to be violent by indulging play in which hippos mutilate dogs. Your kid knows this is only pretend. Put to rest the fear that you’re encouraging your kid to be a psychopath!
Participating in the play
Depending on your kid’s age and her mood at the moment, your role will change: some days you’ll find yourself an observer rather than a participant, but usually, kids want their parents to play with them. This is when parents become unclear about what to do.
What you do depends on whether you’re playing with or observing your kid.
When you’re just observing, it’s helpful to give a running narrative of what you’re seeing, at times interjecting what feelings might be happening. You might say, “The hippo seems to be jumping up and down on the dog. Wait, now what’s happening? Is it biting the dog? That sounds scary for the dog.”
But let’s say your kid has handed you a tiger, simply saying, “Here, you be the tiger.” Now what? Is the tiger going to be eaten, too, or will it eat the hippo, or something completely different? It’s your kid’s story, so how are you supposed to know what the tiger should do?
I often experience this challenge when doing play therapy with kids, and a useful trick is to whisper, “What does the tiger do?”
Let’s say your kid answers, “It bites off the dog’s tail.”
Which means your tiger now has to bite off the dog’s tail!
You might whisper, “Why’s my tiger doing that?” but don’t expect an answer. Just as you might not get an answer to “How does the dog feel when the tiger bites off its tail?”
Have faith that your kid will direct you. And where the play goes is less important than the fact that you’re going there and bonding with your kid.
How not to get bored
Parents tell me that it’s just plain boring playing with their kid. This is a pretty common experience. And it can be boring, especially when kids get seemingly fixated on a particular way of playing or a particular story. Or worse: they want to reenact a storyline from some movie or show. All the repetition can be killer.
So, how do we not fall asleep, especially considering that if we follow our kid’s lead, it will lead to a mind-numbing stupor, followed soon by delicious sleep?
The solution is to find something that engages you. Some parents try to figure out what emotions or issues are showing up in the play, asking themselves what their kid is trying to communicate. Some parents try humor or silliness.
And sometimes, following your kid’s lead doesn’t work except to put you to sleep.
Sometimes the most important thing is connecting to your kid. Which means that you have to take charge and change the play in a way that engages both of you. It means that instead of watching your kid draw circle after circle after circle on a piece of paper, trying to perfect her ability to draw a stupid circle, you put on music and get her dancing with you.
Because, in the end, connecting with your kid is the most important thing about playing with her.
A note on moving into therapeutic work
When therapists use play when working with kids, the goal is to help the child get his feelings out, whether he expresses them or the therapist voices the feelings for him—which is often the case with young kids, say under eight. While this isn’t a necessary part of parents’ playing with their child, parents can learn to do this, too. This takes play to another level, and is explored in depth in a two-part post, “Using Play Therapeutically.”
Related Posts
What You Need to Know About Kids and Fantasy
As an expression of wishes and fears, a child’s fantasies give parents a new way to understand, connect, and help their child.
Kids and Play: What’s Really Going On
The real meaning behind a child’s play: to express and vent feelings. Figuring out their play helps parents better understand their child.
Why Kids Need to Control Everything So Much
For young children, it’s not about controlling you or others: it’s all about their big feelings, especially feeling scared or helpless.
