Good at heart
In my core, I believe people are good. I believe that we’re all trying to do the best we can given what we have experienced in our past. (For more on this, please see the post, “The Most Important Premise of All.”) When we make poor choices or act in regrettable ways, it means our past experiences have crept in to limit, influence, and even control us. I still believe that deep in us is a solid core of goodness, though this goodness sometimes is hard to locate because—to put it bluntly—so much crap from the past interferes.
I also believe that when we do bad things, it’s okay to feel guilty. Guilt can be helpful because it motivates us to change. It can help us own our actions and repair the damage that we’ve done.
Shame, however, is a completely different thing. Shame—the look-alike cousin to Guilt—shuts down the possibility for change because, unlike guilt in which we feel we’ve done something bad, shame is the feeling that we are bad. Shame tells us our actions are a product of our innate badness. It’s the voice in us that says, “Well, of course you fucked up. You’re a fuck up. Why would you expect anything else?”
Shame tells us we can’t change, that we shouldn’t expect any better, that we might as well give up.
Because shame also feels so horrible, we tend to push away the feeling and anything related to it—including our actions which brought about the shame. In doing so, we lose the chance to look at our actions to figure out where things went wrong and how we might do it differently next time.
How shame gets inside us
Shame sneaks into us when we’re very little and the most vulnerable. Because we’re so young and understand things so poorly, shame has the perfect breading ground in our heart. When we don’t understand what is happening or why, we invent explanations that are hugely incorrect and often include the misperception that we’re somehow the cause of things going wrong. (For more on this, you should definitely check out the posts, “5 Ways to Prevent Shame in Your Kid,” and “Why Young Children (Have To) Think We’re the Best” and “(mis)Perceptions: The Natural Reason Young Kids Have So Much Trouble.”)
Shame becomes especially toxic in children because when kids regularly think they’re bad, this feeling can become the child’s story of who she is. If she sees herself as bad at the core, this can radically affect every aspect of her life as a child—and continue into adulthood.
With this in mind, the shame you may feel as a parent—say, when you screw up—could be linked to your early feelings of shame as a child. Rather than recognize that all parents naturally screw up, this early narrative of shame will tell you that you are a screw-up, and that your screwing up right now only confirms it.
What can you do about this?
It’s helpful to separate the shame you feel from the rational thoughts you have. It’s the classic distinction between your head and your heart. (This is the basis of so much of this website, and you should definitely read “Head vs. Heart: Growing a Neck” if you haven’t already done so!)
Your heart is telling you that you screwed up and are a bad parent and there’s no hope for you. Your head, on the other hand, can hopefully be a little less reactive. Your head might say something like this:
“You’re doing your best. It’s not that you’re a bad parent. It’s that parenting is super hard and we all screw up, and that’s okay. Next time, when you feel the steam building inside, just take a break and catch your breath.”
As a therapist, I’ve always found that my clients feel more helped when they gain insight into why they are the way they are. The above response voices a lot of acceptance, tolerance, and patience. But the head’s attempt to calm the heart doesn’t explain very much. The heart might feel a little reassured, but isn’t any wiser.
Any time you have insight into where you come from and what experiences have formed you, this data will be helpful for your heart to hear. It’s basically your head educating your heart. After all, your head is the rational part of you, and your heart needs to be brought on board.
It could sound a little more like this:
“When you screamed, your anger took over, just like your mom who screamed way too much. She would bottle up her anger and then blow up, and you just did the same thing. You have to vent some of that pressure or the volcano will erupt. She never taught you how because she didn’t know how. And now you’re afraid to let out a little anger, because you’re afraid you’ll end up erupting. But it’s okay. You can do it without blowing up. Most of the time, you’re completely in control of your anger. If you just vent more, you won’t blow up.”
We’re really talking about self-forgiveness, aren’t we?
I think that when we understand where we come from and how our past affects our present, things not only make more sense, but we can forgive the times when we’ve screwed up. Our screw ups now fit into a pattern that links up with our past. The better we can understand the details of our past and how our experiences burned themselves onto us, the better we can change how we do things in the present.
It means that shame—that feeling that we’re innately bad inside—has nothing to do with any of this. A completely new story forms about who we are and why we are this way. It replaces the previous, misinformed story that jumps to quick conclusions that we’re at fault for some innate badness.
When we understand and can incorporate our past experiences, shame doesn’t make much sense. This is how we accept ourselves in such a way that forgiving ourselves isn’t really necessary. Afterall, what’s there to forgive? Our past experiences aren’t our fault! Instead, we might find ourselves struggling to forgive others from our past. Which is a topic for another time!
Related Posts
The Most Important Premise of All
An outlook that could change how you see everything–it did for me.
Why Young Children (Have To) Think We’re the Best
Kids need to believe parents are near-perfect. It’s awesome for parents, but it can create some serious dilemmas (and issues) for children.
(mis)Perceptions: The Reason Young Kids Have So Much Trouble
Because young children misunderstand and misperceive things, they can create harmful narratives that can last a lifetime. Here’s how to prevent this.
Head vs. Heart: Growing a Neck
Good mental health starts with strong communication between your head (your thinking) and your heart (your feelings). Here’s how.
5 Ways to Prevent Shame in Your Child
Shame is a toxic feeling that can radically affect your child’s self-esteem. Here’s what you can do to prevent shame from forming.
