There’s been a lot of research about how kids form a trusting attachment to caregivers. The surprising thing we’ve learned is that ruptures—the inevitable breaking of trust—are a really important part of building trust.
Ruptures can be big or small. We might lose our cool and scream at our kid. Or we might discipline in a way that’s not fair or doesn’t make sense. Or, in a moment of adventurousness and expansive thinking, we buy a new type of BBQ sauce.
But first, let’s be real here. None of us are perfect parents. We try our best, but we screw up. It’s the way parenting has always been and always will be. We learn on the job, and even the so-called “best, most experienced” parents screw up often enough. So let’s put aside our guilt and shame. Take a deep breath, let it out, and let’s look at how we can turn a bad parenting moment into something that draws us and our kid closer.
You can look at it this way: ruptures give us the opportunity to repair. They are important, not only because they are part of life and inevitable, but that the act of repairing builds trust. It’s like a broken bone which is said to heal up stronger at the break site than the original bone itself.
Ultimately, when you repair a rupture, your kid learns that you love her—and want to connect with her!—not just when things are going well, but when things are going badly, too. You’re letting her know that she matters, and this is perhaps the most important message of all because it’s the foundation of her self-esteem.
So, what does a repair look like?
Here are the four basic steps. But first, remember that this is not a time to be critical of your kid. A true repair looks at your behavior, not your kid’s! You can talk about her behavior another time.
- Describe what happened from your child’s perspective
You’re probably wondering why you need to describe what happened from your kid’s perspective, especially if you have a differing view of what happened. It’s not about who’s right or wrong, or even what really happened! What matters here is your kid’s experience and how you demonstrate that you understand and empathize with him.
Empathy is what you’re after, and to do a genuine repair, you have to step back from your own experience and feelings to see how your kid felt and experienced things. This is the key to repairing and ultimately nurturing your connection with your kid.
Keep in mind that the younger your child is, the less time you have for this talk. Describing what happened to a three-year-old might look like this: “When you threw the truck at Henry, I yelled and carried you outside. I think you felt I was too rough and too angry when I picked you up.”
Again, you’re speaking to your kid’s experience of what happened. In this example, you may not feel that you were too rough or too angry, or that you even yelled. But a three-year-old can easily be overwhelmed by a parent’s intense feelings so that it felt like you were too rough or too angry.
- Voice/listen to your kid’s feelings, and validate the feelings
This part is often left out of the typical apology when someone says something along the lines of, “Sorry about what happened.” Including how your kid felt is a key part of showing empathy and reconnecting in a genuine way.
Notice that you can either “voice” or “listen” to your kid’s feelings. If your child is able and old enough to say how she felt, then it’s good to listen to her. Again, this isn’t a time to correct her or question why she might have had certain feelings. It’s important that all of her feelings are acceptable. After she’s explained her feelings, give a quick recap of what she’s said as a way of showing her that you really heard her.
The younger a child is, the less she’ll be able to tell you how she felt, so you’ll need to voice her feelings for her. Sometimes, it’s obvious how she felt, and other times it’s not, but here you have to make your best guess, and let her know you’re guessing.
You could say something like, “I’m not sure, but I think you were really scared when I yelled and picked you up roughly. Maybe you were mad about this, and also scared that I seemed out of control.”
Sometimes, a child will try to tell you how she felt but will be fairly vague. She’ll say, “I didn’t like it when you picked me up,” or “I didn’t want to go outside,” or “I don’t like Henry.”
Here you may have to help her name the specific feelings she had: she was scared or felt helpless to be picked up; she was angry at you for controlling her body; she was angry or jealous of Henry.
Lastly, validating her feelings sends the message that not only are her feelings acceptable, but that she is acceptable. It also opens the door to sharing her feelings in later years—especially adolescence—when talking about feelings is so crucial. The validation could sound like, “I know you were scared, and I can see why. I’m so big and you’re still little.”
- Own your part
This step can be tough for some parents. It means admitting that you made a mistake. And it’s especially hard if you feel that you didn’t actually make one. Again, it’s important to put your perspective aside so that you can appreciate your kid’s experience. You can talk about your version of things, but not right now, not while you’re doing a repair.
You might say, “I know my voice sounded big, and I got mad real fast, and I’m sorry about that. Then I picked you up, and for you, it was too rough and too sudden. I’m sorry that I wasn’t more gentle and calm.”
Admitting fault is often hard to do. But look at it this way: you’re modelling for your kid how to take responsibility and own up to your actions. It’s an important communication skill, and it’s a key piece to having healthy, strong relationships.
You’re also showing your kid that you can do bad things without being a bad person. This concept of “doing bad without being bad” is directly connected to one’s self-esteem, and is also addressed further in the post, “5 Ways to Prevent Shame in Your Child.”
- Describe your plan to change
You don’t have to go into a lot of detail here. You’re basically saying that as part of taking responsibility, you’re also going to work on doing things differently. This could simply sound like, “I know I get angry really fast, and I’m working on that so I can stay calmer in the future.” Sometimes, especially with older kids, you might want to be more specific in how you plan to make this change so that they see that you’re serious. You might add, “The next time I start to get mad, I’m going to count to ten, then take five deep breaths, and I think this will help calm me down.”
Your child's response
After all this, your kid might have very little to say. That’s okay. It’s normal. Your child has definitely heard you and is taking time to absorb it all.
Other times, kids might have some strong feelings that now come out. That, too, is normal. After all, you’ve just acknowledged your kid’s feelings and now she’s letting them out. This is a time to listen and comfort. She may even tell you how bad you were, and that’s okay. If she’s angry, it’s good for her to let it out in a controlled way. Perhaps, more importantly, it’s good for her to see that you can tolerate her anger and that her anger doesn’t damage your relationship.
Regardless of your child’s response, ending with a hug always feels good for everyone.
Repairing takes some practice, and with practice it gets easier. Just remember that repairing is done by dealing with emotions, not the facts of what did or didn’t happen. When you let your child know that you understand and appreciate his feelings, you connect at the deepest level. This is a healing up that strengthens not only your relationship but your child’s sense of self-worth.
(For more on ruptures and repair, check out the very short story, “Peek-a-boo,” about what happens when a boy, getting over the long-time loss of his father, encounters an infant on a plane.)
Related Posts
Peek-a-boo
When an infant on a plane meets a young boy getting over the longtime loss of his father
5 Ways to Prevent Shame in Your Child
Shame is a toxic feeling that can radically affect your child’s self-esteem. Here’s what you can do to prevent shame from forming.
Voicing Your Child’s Emotions: the Direct Approach
Talking to kids about their feelings is one of the most important yet challenging jobs for parents. Here’s how to make it a lot easier.
